Tales From The Tuxedo Inn

Blogger Is A PITA

2012-02-06T21:06:00.001-05:00

Blogger has changed layouts yet again.

I am paying for a domain name and hosting and now I'm putting up with Blogger thinking they are the best thing since sliced bread. I work at Tuxedo Inn and elsewhere. I am not 12 years old. I want to do more with my evenings than sit and fool with code.....seriously blogger you've missed the point.

We will soon have a link here to our new site......

It's That Time Again. . . .

2011-12-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

Next week is it. Christmas.

The Tuxedo Inn is continuing our tradition, established last year, for holiday decor.

We have wired the large indoor ficus trees with white "fairy lights". We've scattered more light around the members areas. The fireplace is lit. Toasting forks are available from the bartender in the members' bar. Members are encouraged to bring marshmallows or hearty bread for toasting. Our crumpet and tea bar has been augmented with holiday cookies and candies. The bar has low and high octane eggnog upon request.

That is where the Tuxedo Inn has drawn the line.

In order for our patrons to enjoy a less stressful holiday atmosphere there are no Christmas Trees, holiday music, and no holiday programming on the televisions.

In honor of what worked so well last year, we are playing an AC/DC concert a night on the big screen television. I personally keep AC/DC CD's in the car for drives through holiday traffic. It keeps my spirits up and helps me cope with the insane behavior of holiday shoppers.

Last year I managed to drive home in a blizzard serenaded by"Thunderstruck" and the sound of the sleet on the windshield.

Ah, the holidays!

We hope yours are joyful. Whatever you celebrate.

A Night In The Hospital & Open Crumpet Bar

2011-11-04T16:46:00.000-04:00

The long awaited "Tom Petty & The Heartbreaker's 30th Aniversary Concert" video will make it on the flat screen at the Tuxedo Inn tonight.   The bar will be closing early and then reopening in time for the second half of the concert. The bartender, Rex, has got to drive me over to the hospital for a night of tests.

It's just so exciting that I can't stand it!

I also would rather stay home and sleep in my own bed, but that's the way it goes.   This allergy season has left me wheezing and sneezing without any relief, so it's off for sleep tests, breathing tests, blood tests, etc.   It will be a hootnanny of fun!

Tomorrow morning I will be sprung from the "joint" at 6 a.m.   To celebrate the Tuxedo Inn will have a crumpet and mimosa bar until 11:30 a.m.

The halloween decorations are coming down this weekend but have no fear, the Christmas decor will not be displayed until after Thanksgiving!

The holidays have stopped being fun and started being a forced march these days.

This month's "Top Gear" calendar features a pic of the Highly Esteemed One throttling a woman.

Not much else is perculating in my brain at the moment, it's all most time to pack the overnight bag and wend my way out.

Back from Tiki Time

2011-10-28T15:43:00.000-04:00

It's been a while since we've had any news here at the Tuxedo Inn. Well, that's not exactly true.

We've had news, but I haven't felt much like blogging it up.

We spent the summer with a 7 night a week rotation of calypso, jump up, and Tiki music. We actually compiled an in-house CD with 27 versions of "Yellow Bird" played on the steel drums. Our limited edition of 5 drew no takers. I get the distinct impression my "steel drum summer season" didn't attract a lot of followers in the house. But since I run this joint, I get to indulge my capricious whims once in a while.

We've put up a fence and turnstyle around the swimming pool after a second Dalek fell in the pool in August.

We've added an enclosure around the pool so we can keep it open year 'round. We had the hot-tub open but too many people were getting up to hi-jinx in the thing so it's currently drained.

The long awaited season of "True Blood" bit the bit one and sucked it hard. Despite the "Evil Necromancer" storyline there was an overload of "fan fic" like episodes that took the plot nowhere and seemed like teen-girl fantasies.

Luckily the new season of "Boardwalk Empire" has come on strong with a cliff hanger story line that keeps us anxious for the next episode.

Summer was, for me, a lot of hours working overtime putting on new software releases and arranging training. In August we finally put mom to rest in Arlington National Cemetery. It was the ideal and fitting thing to do.

There are plans in the works for a December get away weekend, but we'll see if that happens.

Right now, we're undergoing an overhaul. With professional help we've gone through about half of everything in the house and sent a lot of stuff off to sale or donation. The studio has been subjected to a lot of sort-and-toss and the furnishings are in disarray.

To celebrate fall we've been rocking the big screen television and sound system with Tom Petty concerts. This weekend we anticipate screening the 30th Anniversary Gainsville Concert.

We're going to turn the lights down and let everybody sip and sing along in peace.

The weather man is promising snow tonight and tomorrow. That bodes ill for us, we usually don't see snow until December. We're all hoping this isn't a harbinger of a blizzard filled winter.

Pumpkin Carving Contest tonight. See you there!

Sharkey "BBob" Belafonte Condition Update

2011-06-28T16:20:00.000-04:00

A few days ago we mentioned that "The Shark" had been brutally jumped and was on life support.

Despite the behaviour of the "True Blood" franchise, Sharkey is still "with us". He sustained extended injuries on Sunday and Monday when the second episode of season 4 of "True Blood" was released.

Quick actions by Sharkey's friends saved his life. He is currently under the care of nationally certified marine veterinary professionals in a high tech "hospital" tank.

Meanwhile a restraining order has been issued against the "True Blood" franchise. They are not permitted within mile of Sharkey and may not broadcast anymore season 4 episodes without an ASPCA monitored "stunt shark".

Meanwhile, HBO has confused the number of viewers who tuned in for Sunday night's dreck as "positive" numbers and not "newly alienated viewers".

Oh That Shark!

2011-06-27T11:11:00.002-04:00

The Shark was invited in, given dinner and drinks, and presented with a box of Cuban cigars. Then he was jumped. Ruthlessly.

The shark was sent home, battered and bruised, in a taxi cab. The thing couldn't even swim, it had to be put on a respirator.

The season 4 premiere of "True Blood" left the shark in critical condition. It was a huge disappointment.

Vampire Bill Compton in Happier Days

The end of season 3 left the all the characters up a tree, in a pickle, or paddling towards a waterfall on ye' olde' shite creek. Rather than bore us with how everybody got themselves ironed out, the season 4 premier skipped ahead a year.   Arelene's demon baby is crawling around the house looking normal. Hoyt and Jessica are snuggled up in a bungalow. Jason is a competent police office complete with a van dyke beard. Tara has changed her name, become a cage fighter, and turned lesbian. Sam's brother is living with Hoyt's mother. Sam belongs to a shape shifters anger management group. Lafayette is being recruited by a cult. Bill is now King of Mississippi. Erik bought Sookie's house and the episode ends with him about to rape Sookie.

The books that spawned True Blood have been tossed aside. Anything that makes sense has been hurled headlong down a worm hole.

Will I keep watching? Probably.   Did I stay up half the night to watch "Episode 2" that was available on line. Most assuredly not.

Have I read the newest book. Yes. I bought it and finished it in two days.   Charlaine Harris promises two more books in the series and then she is ending it. She might as well leave the last two books out. The whole story line is about faeries now. The telepathy and the vampires are hardly mentioned.   Everything is a grim march towards some envisioned end on the horizon. The writing is flat, forced, and feels like an "over due homework assignment".

I'm disgusted with the whole lot.

Here's hoping that HBO pulls a spectacular season 2 of "Boardwalk Empire" out of its hat.

Uh Oh, The Steel Drums Have Shown Up

2011-06-23T14:26:00.000-04:00

Patrons of the Tuxedo Inn will notice that a steel drum band has set up in the library/bar area. Although this runs contrary to our usual "quiet and restful" atmosphere, we hope patrons will come out and enjoy the music. As an incentive, we've brought back the "Tea & Crumpet" bar.

In the tropical spirit Sam, our bartender, has mixed up some umbrella drink specials for everyone to enjoy at discounted prices. Try a "Sunburned Zombie", "Tequilla Tuxedo", or a "Hammock Hugger". Stop by and welcome Sam to the staff.

Sam At A former Job

Once again I must remind patrons that, in keeping with zoning regulations, the Tuxedo Inn is a Dalek Free establishment. Last weekend a guest held an unsanctioned "Dr. Who-abration" and we wound up with a Dalek at the bottom of the pool. As a result the pool will be closed until tomorrow afternoon for reparis and cleanup. Health & Safety regulations require that we have the pool drained, sanitized, and refilled. The offending member will be charged for the damaged pool filtering equipment.

Fix, Fixing, Fixed ?

2011-06-14T15:35:00.002-04:00

Unless you are a cat or a dog, I do not want a relationship with you that involves any type of "fixing".

It's often said that when women are young they pick out a man with the idea of fixing his flaws. I've reached the stage where I don't want a man unless he is "all fixed". And I do mean that in more ways than one.

I'm in that redline danger zone of life when a woman is just liable to go batcrap crazy. I'm done with the whole "childbearing" thing, but I could still have an "unfortunate mishap".   I've been through the vast panorama of "self-improvement" and "soul searching" and I've decided that my soul's purpose at this point is to "have fun and be creative". This means the best guy for me is not a raging alcoholic, a drug addict, or anyone in need of rescue. It's been all I can do to keep myself from running in front of the ice cream truck, I just don't have the strength to sign up to do it for anyone else full time. (After all there are trained professionals for that sort of assistance.)

It's not that I'm not steadfast, loyal, and true. It's just that I'm not suicidal.

If I have a good day, where I don't hurt and I have energy, I hoard it to myself. I don't phone anyone or invite anyone along on my rambles for fear something will happen to break the spell.    Sometimes just going to an art gallery or a movie on my own is enough. I savor it and keep it stashed for the days when I don't feel so great.

A great appreciation for my own company doesn't make me totally antisocial. I have a heck of a good time exploring the BJ's Warehouse club with Luv Monkey or attending my monthly alumni association luncheons.   But the point is that I don't want to climb Mount Everest or skydive to prove I'm alive. Life has kicked my ass enough that I realize I am on the physical plane and subject to the experiences therein.

I want companionship for fun things, non life threatening things, like taking the steam train through the mountains to see the fall leaves. I'm even thinking of striking Disney World from my "to do" list because it involves strategizing and planning like a friggin' military campaign. The last few grand vacations I took to retreats left me unimpressed. I enjoyed the sunset on the Taos Tribal sacred mountain or the milky way from the cabin porch swing more than I enjoyed the retreats themselves.

I'd like to spend a few days in Venice Italy so I could see if the light there is a magical as Whistler and the impressionists made it out to be. I'd like to take a vacation to Fiji or someplace where I could stay in a guest cottage over the water and spend my days soaking in the water and the sun.   I'd like to have a beach vacation where I could body surf and stare at the ocean a lot.   I'd still like to go for a 3 day driving course at Skip Barber driving school.

I don't need to ride through the Alps on an elephant or scuba dive over an underwater volcano, I just want some simple old fashioned fun. How about a little time to relax instead of ticking off things on some great pre-ordaned list?  Way back in economics class we studied "conspicuous consumption", now I feel plagued by another equally dubious phenomena, conspicuous leisure. There seems to be an unrelenting societal drive for constant "productivity". When we arent' being super achievers at work, or world class women at home, we are supposed to be National Geographic Society caliber explorers on vacation. Somebody has slipped a cog somehwere.

I understand all this productivity and conspicuous consumption drives the economy but what does all this "full tilt" living do for me?  That is another dangerous symptom of my life's new phase. I ask, "What's in it for me and do I even want that? " I've adopted Barbara Sher's phrase, "You can't get enough of what you don't really want." as my mantra.

I've seen the bumper stickers and advertisements about "Living on the edge." and "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room."

I ask, "Edge of what?" and "Too much room where? We're not in airline seats!"

I've been on the edge of reason, the edge of life, the edge of a coma, the edge of a cliff, and a lot of other edges where it wasn't healthy to be.

Hunter Thompson said that the only ones who truly knew where the edge was were the ones who'd gone over it.

I'm all in favor of examining your comfort zone and giving yourself tiny prods outside your well worn path.    I'm also to the point where I'm well aware that if you have to jump off a cliff in a flying squirrell suit to "feel anything", you may be spending a good portion of the rest of your life "numbing" yourself against something you don't want to deal with. Do you routinely jump off a cliff because you love the sensation of falling? Or do you do it because it gets you away from a family who you hate? Or do your few soaring moments cancel out the hours the little voice in your head nags at you over and over?

I don't like the sensation of fallling.   I stay the heck off the cliffsides.   If I don't feel alive, I find an alternative way to suss it out and relieve the situation. It's too easy to spend your life running to or from the past.   Facing that down is a hell of a lot scarrier than jumping off a cliff dressed like Rocky the Flying Squirrel. It's more difficult, but in the end it's more rewarding. Once you've dragged that boogey-man out of the closet and had a good tussle with him, he looses a lot of his power.

Yep, I'm at that dangerous stage of my life. I'm starting to be comfortable with me, just the way I am.

This might make me eccentric, unpredictable, totally predictable, odd, average, mundane or incredibly powerful. I don't know. This is a whole new phase for me, like grade school, or puberty, or graduating college. The only thing certain about it is that I can't avoid it. It's what comes next. Nobody talked about it in school, or on the playground, or around the water cooler, or even at the dinner table. But it's what comes next and I'm not about to go dress up like a squirrel and throw myself off a cliff over it.

Bippity, Bloggity, Boo

2011-06-01T17:00:00.000-04:00

You know you shouldn't smoke in bed!

Alexander Skarsgard Putting the "Eric The Viking Vampire Vibe" On Simmer.

Ye Olde' Countdown Clock on True-Blood.net says it's only 25 days and 4 hours until season 4 of "True Blood" on HBO. That means it's time to have the HBO turned back on.

I had HBO cut off after last season's "Boardwalk Empire" finale.   It was just too pricey to leave it turned on when nothing worth watching was on.

When my cable package came up for renewal I wound up with Showtime tossed in and I wound up hooked on "Californication".

Since this week sprang June on us with 95 degree temperatures, Luv Monkey and I spent the holiday weekend indoors with the shades pulled down.   Instead of our much anticipated trip to the drive in to see "Pirates 4" we fired up the premium channels and viewed such cinematic masterpieces as "Kung Fu Panda", "Cats & Dogs 2", and "Californication Season 1".

We made our customary sojourn to BJ's to pick up 120 pounds of cat liter and an economy sized bottle of Advil.   I mean it's not a weekend with Luv Monkey without the "animal hoarders valu-size" order of cat liter!

At one point we were drawn into the "Top Gear" marathon. LM was immediately impressed when James May began speaking to an auto tech in German. He was then immediately unimpressed when James began fighting with Jeremy over a cell phone.    We flipped over to a "Mythbuster's" marathon instead. We finally settled on David Suchet giving a tour of the "Orient Express" train on it's journey.

Tonight it is hot and humid and all I want to do is return to the cool comfort of my "girl cave". Instead I am going to wrangle with the lawyer over paperwork she should have done months ago.

Perhaps when I finally slink into the house I'll be able to catch a rerun of last season's "True Blood" and see "Eric the Viking Vampire" sink his fangs into someone. :)

Well It's Wednesday

2011-05-25T17:54:00.000-04:00

Say these are comfy!

I will not be able to read the next installment of the "Parasol Protectorate" Sci-Fi series when it comes out in July.   The author, Gail Carrieger, has stated that she would wipe out sweat pants, Fiestaware, and Crocs if she could.

Since I am a fan of all three I figure Ms. Carrieger has declared war on me. All I did was buy her first few books, but apparently I offend.

In English fashion I give her the two fingered archer's salute!

A public school in Chicago has banned home made packed lunches. They've decided that parents don't provide the "proper" foods. After all the government knows best and they will quickly tell you so.

Georgia has put up advertising billboards telling children that if they are chubby they will die soon. They also have billboards telling children they are chubby because they are gluttons.   Apparently Georgia has decided they know best about everything as well. They figure that scared, crying, self loathing children fit in better with the government controlled school system. Keep them frightened and self-hating and they'll be too busy to make any waves for the teachers.

I'm not sure when the United States became such a hostile place. Where did manners go? Why is ok to malign an entire religous group because of one crackpot clergyman? The "apocolypse prophit" is fair game for ridicule but all Christians are not the same. It smacks of targeted religious intolerance.

I actually had someone in the grocery line look at my purchases and smugly say, "I don't by food like that!" I had a loaf of white bread, Twizzlers, and a bag of chips in my cart with the canned veggies, milk, and produce.

I smiled and replied, "With that stick up your ass it's probably hard to eat."

They wanted to keep bitching but fell silent when I used my, "I will stick this can of corn down your throat" look.

When did suburban America go from "live and let live" to "live and run over"?

Folks are taking the hostile hatchet to each other all over the place.

The Federal Government is currently spending its employee pension fund because it's out of cash. Republicans are ranting about making fed employment more like private industry. However they haven't ever taken a good look at private industry. For most of the high paying positions on the federal roster, private industry equivalent salaries would be 10% or more higher.   They are raving about making federal employees pay five times more into their pension fund. That would make feds pay more than private industry. Gardener Group studies show that government employees do more, make less, and are a better bargain than private industry. (The worst treated federal employees are in the armed services. It's amazing how many millitary families need "food stamps" and government aid.) If the federal employees weren't there we'd have no TSA agents or IRS. We also wouldn't have medicare, medicade, social security, the coast guard, national highways, unemployment, disability income, or FAA.

Congress is, of course, not talking about cutting their pensions or their benefits. They are also fogetting that a government isn't private industry. A government isn't to make a profit, it is to protect and serve the people.  Few companies, if any, have a mandate to protect their shareholders from terrorists or take care of their orphaned children and aged mothers.

Fiscally spending needs to throttle back but jingoistic slogans and re-election promises aren't going to fix the problem. Destroying the nation isn't a palatable option either.

Instead of all the political infighting why don't they ask , "What Would Walt Disney Do"?

Disney's company is a model of both fiscal success and polite and pleasant industry.

James May Shows Me What's In His Pocket

2011-05-24T12:15:00.001-04:00

I was in a bookstore last night, a real brick and glass bookstore, meandering through the promo tables. The touch of the slick paperback covers and the smell of the print were comforting, familiar. There was a copy of Jeremy Clarkson's "How Hard Can It Be?" with an "import" sticker on it. I stared at the pricked up ears of the red squirrel sharing the cover with Jeremy and thought about how nothing ever lasts forever. Red squirrels are being driven to extinction by grey squirrels. The Stig wrote a book just like Clarkson, Hammond, and May and and the BBC canned him.   Jeremy Clarkson denounced the Stig as "greedy" in an interview.

Top Gear has motored on with a "New" White Stig but it's not the same. Everybody knows how the Stig we knew and loved was treated. Nobody forgets seeing someone kick the dog.

Lately Clarkson has appeared in the gossip columns as a philanderer and adulterer. Supposedly he has been having a fling with a Top Gear staffer. Unnamed witnesses claim to have seen the two of them cavorting on the last Top Gear World Tour.  The Clarkson swagger and ego don't seem so put-on and funny anymore. Nothing remains changeless.

I was debating on buying Clarkson's book. There was a thump of thunder. The power went off.

In the sudden, dark quiet I waited for my eyes to adjust. No one was saying anything. There were a few rustles and bumps as people shuffled around. I was too far back in the store to see any light from the windows. I did see the faint green glow of an exit sign not too far away. I shuffled along with my hands out in front of me until I bumped into a door.   I shoved and the door opened. There was a stairwell lit by a flickering emergency light.

"You have to go up to get out."  A calm man's voice said.

He was standing a few steps up motioning for me to follow him. In the meager light he was more of an outline than details.    Another green exit sign was glowing a few steps above him.

I put my foot on the first step. The emergency light dimmed out.

"Come on, it's just a few steps up."  He said quietly. His voice was familiar.

I shuffled a foot around looking for the next stair. Feeling dizzily midair, I stopped still.

"I can't see anything. I can't find the edge of the stair." I squeaked in spite of myself.

A soft circle of light appeared inches from my face.  It was the glow dial on a watch. It flurried around and then the illuminated face of a cell phone materialized. I could see fingers pushing buttons on the phone and the screen came up bright white. The phone moved down towards my knees and illuminated the edge of the stairs.

"Can you see the stair now?"

I nodded futilely in the dark then stepped up.

A big hand slipped around my wrist.

"Just follow me up. That's it."

Things weren't making sense. I'd been in that bookstore hundreds of times, there was no way it could be "up" to leave by the back door. Then I recognized the voice.

"You're James May aren't you?" I answered.

Then I woke up in the muggy 3 a.m. darkness of my own room. I was disoriented but I could still make out my surroundings by the light of the alarm clock. I turned on the television and queued up a rerun of the Craig Fergusson show. I settled back to sleep listening to Craig and Geoff the robot making double entendres.

Nothing stays the same. Everything changes. We startle and settle and go on.

Note: The pic at the top of the page is a very rare white kiwi. It isn't an albino but white. It was born into a special breeding program in New Zealand.

How Can You Mend A Broken Bridge?

2011-05-23T12:26:00.000-04:00

Monday morning dawns, my face is rosy and pink with the early light. It is also subtly green down one side. The left side of my mouth is plump and swollen, as is my left eye, and the left side of my nose. I am missing three of my front teeth.

I am a vision of throttled loveliness.

I am coming to the alarming conclusion that I paid someone to maim me.

I paid them enough for a nice down payment on a new car.

My temporary bridgework, to cover up the splendor of my mending jaw, was broken by the oral surgeon. It doesn't fit over my mangled gums anyway. A new temporary bridgework will cost me more than my monthly car payment. Somewhere in the last few months I must have lost my mind.

Last week marked the 2nd anniversary of my mom's passing. Oddly enough the Federal Government commemorated the event by sending me another tax bill for her estate. Each year they send me a bill counting health insurance payments as income in hope that I will pay them 2 to 5 thousand dollars in tax that isn't owed. Instead I go to the accountant and hand over the details and they concoct the appropriate reply. That costs me about 250$.

The Feds topped off the festivities by sending me an email with mom's funeral date. After 2 years of dancing around red tape, we have an August date. (And it's August of this year!)

The funeral director phoned me last week about the commemorative foot stone I've ordered for our family cemetery plot. There is no problem with placing a foot stone for a relative not buried in the plot. The problem is that they can't find the cemetery. According to them it's now a corn field.

Unless Google Earth is really falling behind I can see the family grave marker on the satellite picture. The cemetery is still there.

Life is a very grey mountain of grief today. Mom has been gone two years yet this week she's still raining paperwork and saddness on me. The grief is not the same as it was the day she died, but it is still here, dark and weighty. I feel pinioned under grief, paperwork, memories, and mountains of junk. Mom's glasses and teddy bear still sit in a bag in my storage room. My purse is full of her tax returns, and military discharge papers.

My own life is a bit of a battered mess without adding this unhappy haunting to it. My job is soul sucking. My health is mercurial. I long for a home with a solid family and friends. Instead I have what I've always had, a rag tag collection of part time boyfriend and long distance friends. Things limp by. I abide. I rise in the morning and abide through the day, continuously believing there must be something better than this and somehow I will reach it.

It's Been Another Wild Week

2011-05-20T16:28:00.000-04:00

The world ends tomorrow. (According to some.) Arnold S. is being called out by all his 'down low' girls. Obama wants Israel to redraw their borders. The U.S. government is now spending money from the employee funded Federal Pension Fund because it can't borrow any more cash. (They may be counting on the end of the world.)   Does anybody need to be reminded where the Social Security money all went? When U.S. Steel does it, it's embezzlement.

Wrestler Randy "Macho Man" Savage was killed in a car accident. The Queen of England has visited Ireland. Prince William and the Duchess of Cambridge are on a three quarters of a million honeymoon trip.   My lawn needs mowing.   Johnny Depp returns to the screen as Captain Jack Sparrow today. (I'm really much to old to hold up to Captain Jack in IMAX 3D! All that guyliner would give me the heebie jeebies!)

Jeremy Clarkson is being bashed by rumors that he had an affair with a staffer during the "Top Gear Live" tour. It's being bandied about that he's been put out of the house but is fighting to save his marriage.   The "Daily Mail" isn't exactly the most reliable source on the planet.  "The Telegraph" is more encouraging.

Luv Monkey considered that perhaps Clarkson has treated his marriage like he treats the cars on Top Gear, "Drives hell bent until something breaks or he crashes."

Luv Monkey and I have had several separations over our 25 year acquaintance.   Mostly we've had "trial togethers" with being far apart as a given in the landscape. This could be why my vintage ice pick is still in the art studio, poised for opening tubes of glue, instead of in the police evidence locker.

Of course for most of the last week I've been feeling prosaic on the news.  I've been on "the good drugs" and flat out in bed. Consequently I've been listening to the news when I've been too loopy to find the remote control.

I had a bone graft to my jaw last week. The "highly recommended" oral surgeon left the entire left side of my face swollen and dark purple. Despite his pronouncement that the swelling would be gone in 3 days, the swelling is still around one week later. I look like I lost a fight, or perhaps like Luv Monkey won one. The oral surgeon was so rough that he even broke my temporary bridgework.  I firmly insisted that he repair it.   From the look in his eyes when he saw me on a follow up visit yesterday, he probably suspected my ice pick was in my right hand and concealed under my purse.

When I go back to the regular dentist I will do my best to make sure this guy gets no more referrals.

On the up side, it is Friday afternoon. Also if the world ends tomorrow I don't have to file yet another amended tax return for my mom's estate. I'll know if I've wound up in the 'bad place' if the IRS is there.

Looks Like I'm Not The Only One Who Includes Mr. May In Their Blogs

2011-05-09T14:00:00.001-04:00

I found this video posting on the "FAIL" blog. It's worth a click. James smashes himself in the face with a carseat. CLICK HERE

Kate Middleton Married Osama Bin Laden? What?

2011-05-02T11:50:00.000-04:00

I was staggering around the kitchen trying to get caffeine this morning when the day's first phone call asked me if I had heard the "BIG" news.

My first thought was that Kate Middleton had left Prince William. But I was quickly informed that U.S. forces had found and killed Bin Laden.

After caffiene I turned on the news and noticed the president is green. I've seen the job wear other presidents down to a grey looking ghost on the boob tube, but this one is turning green. He doesn't look good.

Apparently he'd been getting 'revenge' on people this last weekend. He roasted Donald Trump at the Corespondent's Dinner. Trump was on the tube moaning about getting picked on. It's amazing that someone would be dumb enough to call a sitting president a literal "bastard", a transcript forger, and an illegal immigrant and then go to a party they host. It's a bit like teenage girls getting in a slap fight at the prom.

Princess Diana's ghost is in the news today. They are auctioning off some of her gowns for charity. Her doomed image has been popping up on television all week. Every network has replayed some part of her wedding. At the time I thought she looked like a lamb going to slaughter, now re-watching the wedding is like watching an execution. I change the channel each time she appears floating along in her 1980's gown heading into history. It seems so cold and sad that she had to buried on a swampy overgrown lump in a lake to prevent grave robbers from digging her up. It seems even sadder that this morning some film producer has announced he's doing a movie about how the royal family had Diana assasinated.

The world seems to be spinning a little bit faster and a lot more out of kilter than usual today. I know it's just the illusion of a Monday morning.

Thank Goodness It's Friday Afternoon!

2011-04-29T15:27:00.000-04:00

The Royal Wedding Festivities have wound down. The clothes washer is fixed. We've scheduled dental surgery and a jaw bone graft. We have turned the frustration of dealing with Arlington National Cemetery over to a funeral director. We've also tasked the funeral director with finding out about the family burial plots elsewhere. We've even ordered a foot stone for an unmarked family grave. We're doing our will and medical directives as well. As you can tell it's been a rather grim time around the Inn with nothing much work writing about.

We're all rather exhausted and it's only a few hours until we can crawl into bed and release ourselves to sweet sleep!

The Big Fluffy Bed Is Calling!

This amazing chair is what they used to call a "bordello chair". The possibilities boggle the mind don't they?
Lexington has renamed this oddly shaped chair as a "leat"
Take a gander at Lexington. Com for the sumptuous furniture pictured on today's page.

Tuxedo Inn Royal Wedding Festivities

2011-04-28T14:41:00.001-04:00

Chris Balcombe via Tardis Adventures
Celebrates the Royal Wedding

The Tuxedo Inn will be celebrating the royal wedding with a self serve Tea & Crumpet Bar.

Starting this evening we will be putting out several types of loose tea and all the paraphernalia necessary for guests to make their own custom cuppa. Currently we have Earl Grey and English Breakfast. Because we are American we will also have Luzianne Iced Tea available.

Fresh crumpets have been brought in from Trader Joe's and we have butter, cream cheese, and an assortment of jams. A commercial toaster is being hooked up so each guest may have their crumpet as crispy or squishy as they like.

The big screen television has been rolled into the room and hooked to cable for everyone's viewing pleasure. (Please note, all "adult entertainment" channels on the cable have been blocked.)

Those of us who run the Tuxedo Inn remember Princess Diana's wedding. It is with great hope for her bright future that we watch Catherine join the royal family. May God bless and keep her safe. We have an inkling that Lady Diana will be watching from her place on the other side.

Please note that the Tuxedo Inn will not admit Daleks to the premises, no matter how festively they are attired.

Would Somebody Please Turn The "Drama" Knob Down?

2011-04-19T16:10:00.000-04:00

Forget that silly Bugatti, it's you I really NEED!

When I bought my house you might have thought my head would have been abuzz with dreams of granite counter tops and stainless steel appliances. But no. My heart was fit to burst with joy over the washing machine and the water heater.

I ogled both of those appliances during the home inspection. I twiddled their knobs and tested them out. I drooled ever so slightly at the idea of taking a truly hot shower. I let out a tiny "squee" at the idea of having enough hot water to wash my hair! The idea of taking a complete shower without a neighbor turning on their sink and shutting my shower down to a trickle made me nearly the giddy!

Then there was the tearful joy at the idea of spending my weekends at home instead of a laundromat. The unmitigated excitement of having clean underpants without leaving the house was almost more than I could stand.

When you've lived on the top floor of a converted Victorian house for 6 years you don't miss steps, cold trickle showers, blown fuses, falling downstairs with your clothes basket, and fighting for a parking space. Life became instantly easier when I shuffled my junk into a basementless rancher with a tiny driveway.

Last night at bedtime I went to check on the beautiful blue tri-color shirt I had gently put into the wash by itself. I discovered that the color had run like an indigo nightmare that the shirt had become one solid color.

I also discovered that the washing machine was broken. Its tub was full of inky blue sudsy water refused to drain. No matter what "trick" I tried, the blue ooze remained.

I fished out my ruined blouse and took it to the bathtub so it could think about its treachery. Then I debated on how to get 10 gallons of violently blue dye stained water from the machine, across light beige carpet, and to the nearest drain.

As I was planning my route it dawned on me that I will most likely going to have to drag my nasty clothes to the laundromat this Saturday. The "mat" will be closed on Sunday for Easter. The thought of shoveling my clothes into the car and dragging them across town and back made me wail a hopeless shriek. This shriek was heard by "Luv Monkey" via the phone call we were on.

Luv Monkey, instead of being supportive, snorted and let out a bitching rant about my attitude. This from a man who has not done a load of laundry for anyone, including himself, since 1983. (Yes his mother still does his laundry.)

After I let him know that it was my laundry and I'd cry if I wanted to, he began bitching even louder. Somehow, my cordless phone disconnected him.

James May can "Man Lab" all he wants. He needs to teach "blokes" how to be helpful when their woman faces the horror of a holiday weekend in the laundromat.

Today I checked the prices of a new washer, let out a shriek, and promptly called my paid "Honey Do" man. "Honey Do" will be by tonight to check the washer and make sure it's just the water pump. He will order parts tonight and have them on Thursday. No weekend laundromat!

This is where I point out that it's much better to have a talented paid "Honey Do" man than a "Luv Monkey".

Once you've passed 30, sex is just not gonna motivate who you need when you need them. Get a college degree, develop a good career, and hire men to do the job then go away. No heartbreak. No STD's. Nobody elses's laundry to do.

Wrecked. . .

2011-04-18T10:38:00.000-04:00

It's been another few tough weeks around the Inn.

I've been down with a sinus infection and a jaw infection. It's been dentists, antibiotics, and a lot of rest.

Saturday was spent in the Lapidary Lair weaving together some chainmaille. Sunday was spent shoveling through 3 weeks worth undone housework.

Nothing fun and nothing worth blogging about.

OMBH I would point you towards a blurb on the Top Gear web site about Jame's May's new series "Man Lab". Apparently he's actually using Twitter now. Does that make him a Twit or a Tweeter? Either way it all seems suspect.

Woof Woof

2011-04-08T14:00:00.001-04:00

Filing.....is good....for a prison break

2011-03-21T21:47:00.000-04:00

OMBH, I officially give you all my alphabetizing.

I hate to file anything. I hate to alphabetize. Hate it!

I arrange my books and CDs by category and artist, but never by alphabetical order. :)

My papers are kept in file boxes by year. If I need something I wade through and suffer.

I know that A is at the front and Z is at the back and the rest of the letters can just take care of themselves! :)

Signed,

She who will not file.

(Except for my nails.)

Luv monkey has not been a brute....but my heart is broken by life.

Perhaps some daredevil fly boy in his Sopwith Pup broke it years ago and it's never properly mended. Who knows?

My dad was an American "Fly Boy" and he certainly broke my heart with a fracture that not even super glue can set to rights.

The old standard "Long Ago & Far Away" is running through my mind tonight. It's just the kind of song to sing when laying low and nursing a broken heart.

Long Ago & Far Away

Long ago and far away, I dreamed a dream one day
And now that dream is here beside me
Long the skies were overcast but now the clouds have passed
You're here at last

Chills run up and down my spine, Aladdin's lamp is mine
The dream I dreamed was not denied me
Just one look and then I knew
That all I longed for long ago was you

Chills run up and down my spine, Aladdin's lamp is mine
The dream I dreamed was not denied me
Just one look and then I knew
That all I longed for long ago was you

A trial, a separation, and a what's next?

2011-03-21T17:41:00.000-04:00

As James May takes up column space about how he likes "windscreens" and how his "missus" cowered in the floor of a Catherham, I have to ask myself.....isn't it time I said good bye to Top Gear?

Monday night's used to be a mad rush to get home and have a cold beverage in hand when my favorite "car porn" show hit the airwaves.

Now, I look at cars and think, "Oh heaven what a pain the ass that one would be."

Perhaps it's "change of life". Perhaps it's how many cars I've loved and who have ruthlessly broken my heart. I'm trying to temper pragmatism and experience against disappointment and bitterness.

My health is on the mend and I'm still fragile. My art studio is in a shambles. My love life reads like a bad sci-fi story. I've got little left in the way of family or close friends. I feel like it's time to go through the material possessions, find a new horizon, pack up and leave.

I'm not going to make it to driving school this year. Probably not any year. My health isn't going to let me.

I'm not going to get to drive any of these mouth watering heart breakers I see on the tube any more than I'm going to get the chance to live in a mansion surrounded by footmen who look like a young Antonio Banderas.

Why torture myself with car porn? Why torture myself by looking at 3 guys who are lucky enough to make a living out of driving fast. In Jame May's "new" series he gets paid for getting drunk and acting stupid. Seriously I don' t need that thrown in my face any more than I need a steady stream of news photos of the horrific things happening all around the world.

Where will the blog go next? Who knows? I think I only have 1 reader. I can stay buds with them without the blog.

I've got the opportunity to take an intro course in "lost wax casting" for silversmithing. Maybe I'll do that. Maybe I'll go back to taking bookbinding classes. Maybe I'll take up yoga or tarot card reading. Something, anything, that gives me possibilities instead of rubbing my nose in what others get to enjoy but I never get to have.

Shelter Box ORG

2011-03-18T13:52:00.000-04:00

The contents of a "Shelter Box"

Shelter Box is a non-profit organization that creates survival kits. They drop off survival kits to families who have had their homes destroyed by earthquakes and tidal waves.

What's in a "Survival Box"? A large storage tub contains a 10 person tent, water purification equipment for 10 people for 12 months, a small cookstove, basic tools, survival blankets, and other things as appropriate.

A box can house and provide water for up to 10 people. The tents are designed to stay warm or cool as needed and to withstand heavy weather.

The folks of "Shelter Box" are headquartered in the UK. They are already distributing "shelter boxes" in Japan.

They are backed by the Rotary Clubs. The head of "Shelter Box" has been awarded the "CNN Hero" title.

Read this article at CNN:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/asiapcf/03/17/cnnheroes.henderson.japan/index.html?iref=allsearch#

My parents lived in Japan in the late 1940's and early 1950's. My mother served in the USAF there. I made a donation in her honor. If she were alive and able she would want to be there nursing and comforting the Japanese.

Shelter Boxes ready to go out.

Everything Is Boiling

2011-03-17T14:32:00.000-04:00

The world seems to be boiling today.

The reactors in Japan are boiling dry. The congress and senate are boiling with rhetoric. The budget extension bill hasn't been signed and there is less than 48 hours before the Federal Government coffers boil down to nil. The office I work in is boiling with people filing grievances with the union and nobody knows what about or why.

I don't think I've ever been in a place where people were more jealous and petty about everything. They don't talk to each other, they just file grievances.

My tiny puddle of enzymes, hormones, and endocrine systems chemicals has dried up and I'm exhausted.

Right now there is only prayer and waiting.

Post for OMBH - Ulthoth Beam Beaming

2011-03-16T16:39:00.000-04:00

James May as a Smoking Crash Test Dummy

Laying Low

2011-03-15T16:34:00.000-04:00

The world is shaking and shivering today. Japan is in shreds, the middle east is threatening to go into melt down, and the congress is playing with itself instead of staving off a national crisis.

I'm just laying low and making the best of what I can. Nothing witty to say. Not much James May envy, only I don't understand why NASA keeps inviting him in to play with its toys. I did notice that they had remote override control when he was at the helm though. They stopped him cold when he almost crashed into a light post! :)

Hoping that OMBH is ok.....haven't heard much from them this week.

Moon Buggy

Catch that Latch!

2011-03-14T16:56:00.001-04:00

About half and hour ago my head came unlatched and my brain fell out.

I got the thing back in and got the lid hooked again, but it was a tense few minutes. It's a good thing that I attached my brain to my skull with one of those coiled thingies you use to hold your hat to your shirt when you got out on a boat. Otherwise I'd have lost the whole shebang and then I wouldn't be able to write this blog entry.

I mean, what is a day without writing about Top Gear or my James May envy?

My life is certainly fouled up. But I'm not Charlie Sheen and I'm sure not some slave somewhere. But for my environs I have a few little glitches. Hell I'm probably lucky I'm alive.

I didn't got to pre-K as a toddler. I learned to read from my mom. I didnt' do extra-curricular activities in high school, I just worked a dorky old job so I could have clothes to wear.

Geeze I didn't do much better at college. I didn't join a sorority, I worked 20 hours a week so I could buy food and clothes. In the summer I worked 48 hours a week so I could pay for school.

I did date a local club D.J. but I didn't marry him.    I didn't marry anybody. I didn't have any kids. I didn't buy a BMW and I didn't buy a McMansion.

I don't wear designer clothes. I still work so I can buy clothes.

I have the singular talent of being able to accidentally break or destroy every technical gadget that comes within a few feet of me.

I am a talent.

I'm still the person I was when I got out of High School. Only more so.

Last Friday night the gossip wagon jumped me on my way out of work and left me almost in tears. Today I got a dose that the guy who shares my intersection in the cube far is about two ticks away from going postal. Nice.   Real nice.

I've about had it with the "Romper Room" antics around here. Between the jealousy, the hoarding, and the bizarre behaviour it's enough to make me long for retirement. Or a career change.

Talk going around today is that our contract money with get cut off if the Federal Government closes down.

We will be locked out as of Friday afternoon if somebody doesn't do something in D.C.

I think they'd consider it bad form if I wrote a letter to my congressmen and, to quote Jeremy Clarkson, asked him to stop being a "twat".    Jeremy would, of course, use the word ''twat'' and several other sophisticated terms for animal posteriors. He'd eloquently point out the foibles and failures of the elected representative in a humorous manner. I on the other hand am making notes on who "not" to vote for in the next election.

Gee the suspense seems to be getting to me doesn't it?    Things could be much worse. I could be an RAF Pilot in at Sopwith Snipe in a dog fight with the enemy.

What Would Hunter Do ?

The Land Of the Rising Sun, You are in our prayers.

2011-03-14T12:26:00.000-04:00

Our prayers and wishes go out to all those in Japan. We pray that your nuclear reactors are held in check by the force of angels. We pray that your families are all found safe and sound. We pray you all reach safety. We pray that the earth stops shaking and the tides stop rising. God be with you and yours. May he hold you in healing arms. We are thankful for every one found alive, for every miracle, every rescuer, and for every family reunited. Amen.

Snipe Hunt Comes To An End

2011-03-14T12:17:00.001-04:00

Above is the elusive Sopwith Snipe! This specimen is suspended from the ceiling of the Smithsonian National Air And Space Museum in Washington D.C.

Luv Monkey and I have made plans to sojourn into DC to see the Snipe and its fellow WWI planes on display at the National Air & Space Museum.

There is a slight hitch though.   The congress and senate can't get their act together and they are about to shut down the federal government. That means closing the doors and gates on museums, monuments, and national parks.

It also means taking down a lot of small and large companies that depend on government contracts.

Somehow our congress and senate can't get off their keesters and get into D.C. and do the deed.   The rest of us know that we have to pay the bills and keep the wheels turning whether we like it or not. Why can't this bunch of yee-haws get it in gear?   Compromise you Turkeys! Don't shut down the government and hurt thousands of people who live paycheck to paycheck!

This business of freshman congressmen getting on television and boo-hooing that they have to live in their offices because the high cost of living around D.C. is a bad farce. You knew where the job was when you took it! The rest of us have to suck up the local cost of living!   Get to work and do what we elected you to do!

If you can't compromise and all you want to do is fight, we have a nice spot for you on the next military transport out. We'll give you a gun or two and let you go fight at the front if that's what you want.

If you want to be a politician, then get your arse into the government halls and work a deal!

As of today it looks like the congress is going to let the Federal government close come this Friday. That means no income tax refunds, no new claims for social security, and no veteran's benefits applications.

Are you a taxpayer? A little old lady? A vet freshly back from the war? Well you're government isn't there for you because Congressman Tiddly-fop is too busy sniffing his own ego to get his butt in to work and get a budget appropriations bill ironed out.

Let's get the Top Gear Snow Bine Harvester on the road to Washington and roast a few marshmallows!

Ulthoth Signal Beaming

2011-03-13T20:29:00.000-04:00

Sending unuusal pics I've found from around the webbie along with support waves and a virtual "Urn of Bovril".

Geoffrey Hornblower Cock

2011-03-11T14:05:00.000-05:00

Yes, that was a real person. Yes he was a WWI RAF Ace. He survived the war and lived into old age.

He flew a Sopwith 1 1/2 strutter plane and he was attached to the RAF 45th Squadron. That squadron became known as the "Flying Camels" after they began to pilot Sopwith Camels.

This brought them to the attention of Bob the Camel.

Bob has been helping me locate a Sopwith Snipe model for Luv Monkey. He has become fascinated with the WWI aircraft.

Bob has looked up a bit on the history of the RAF 45th squadron and of Air Ace Cock.

Bob has come up with the theory that James May is the reincarnation of Geoffrey Hornblower Cock. He surmises this is why the highly esteemed Mr. May selected "OCOCK" or some such as his tail identification for his plane. I don't have the heart to tell Bob that Mr. C was alive until 1980. Mr. May selected the identified "cock" because he has a warped sense of humor and he likes to talk dirty to airplane control towers.

When I got home last night, Bob had on my long silk scarf and was making airplane noises with his muzzle.

It's nice to see him happy. :()

Things Could Be Worse!

2011-03-10T12:15:00.000-05:00

When I staggered into the doctor's office earlier this week my doc reminded me that I could be in worse shape. He reminded me that I could be Charlie Sheen!

Let's see I had dizziness, inability to think clearly, fatigue, insomnia, but I don't have several million dollars and a harem of Antonio Banderas lookalikes........... so yep I think I'm safe from having a bad case of Charlie Sheen.

I could rant that I'm "winning" and that I live on the "Stig Blood" and that "James May" is my valet. But that wouldn't get me the million dollars, that would just get me unwanted and unfavorable attention.

In lieu of a case of "Charlie Sheen", I am also glad I don't have a case of "Robert Irvine" either. From the looks of "Food Network Humor Blog", poor Robert's been touring with Paula Deen and she's been treating him like her personal "boy toy".

The photos below are from FNH:

Paula Deen licking butter from Robert Irvine.

I may be having dreams about flame throwing combine harvesters, but I'm still better off than poor Robert Irvine!

Combines, Snow Plows, Flame Throwers, & Wedding Rings

2011-03-10T11:57:00.000-05:00

Combine Harvester converted into a Snowplow.

This week's Top Gear mayhem included the conversion of a combine harvester into a snow plow. Of course Jeremy had to add a flame thrower to the back of the thing. Of course a flame thrower leaves the road coverd in a giant ice slick. That ice slick was then "gritted' by gravel being pushed out thru the harvester's unloading auger. That auger was being shovel fed by Richard Hammond who supposedly lost his wedding ring into the works.

What some guys will do to explain loosing a wedding ring eh?

That crazy snowplow is haunting my dreams. I keep seeing it prowling the country roads in the sticks where I grew up. It motors by setting fire to the fileds with the flame thrower.

Oh yeah, the drugs are working. . . . . . . . . .

Poopy Dog

2011-03-07T15:32:00.000-05:00

Maltese Puppy

Above is the cuteness that is a puppy cut Maltese doggy. It is also the picture of a poop machine. It is that very poop-iness that keeps me puppy-less. As much as I'd like to have a pet, a cohort, and little barking buddy I realize that I'm just not in the mood for poop scooping and pee mopping.

My mom had a Maltese that lived to be 18 years old. She could turn 1/2 cut of kibble into a mountain of poop. It was her talent.

Towards the end of her 18 years should could produce poop in an almost unstoppable torrent.

I am a great fan of the "Spot Bot" from Bissell. Their "pet" shampoo for that machine works better than anyone could have ever imagined. I travelled with that thing in the trunk of my car and ordered the rug shampoo by the case. I cleaned the carpet in my mother's room at the assisted living routinely.

I still loved that dog. I cried when she died. I miss her a lot.

As much as a Maltese is one of the very few dogs on earth that I am not allergic too.....when I look at a Maltese I think "Love & Poop".

Who ever said "Love is never having to say 'you're sorry'." was a friggin' idiot. Love means "You pick up the poop."

WWYMD? What would your mom do?

2011-03-04T10:17:00.001-05:00

Over the years my mom behaved in mysterious ways. She put up with my dad's shenanigans. She married "El Diablo". She lived under the tyranny of Alzheimer's dementia.

But one thing I am absolutely sure of, without a doubt. If my dad had had custody of me in a home where he was "shacked up" with a porn actress and a courtesan my mother would have "liberated" me from the situation forth with. Mom might have had the police, she might have had mercenaries, or she might have had only a mother's roilling wroth but she would have had me out of that house.

If my dad had been fool enough to combine his harem with drug and alcohol parties, my mom might have even used incendiary devices to make sure I would never again be exposed to that peril.

Yes my mom was capable of a berserker's rage when someone messed with me. She didn't always come to my aid. Sometimes she was too ill or too under attack herself to reach me. However I know she would have moved heaven and earth to rescue me from a crack house.

Perhaps that's not exactly a "Hallmark" memory. But it's a good thought. After all, sometimes "Love" means you kick ass.

J Petermen Designing for James May?

2011-03-03T12:18:00.001-05:00

Plucked from the back of James May?

The spring J Peterman catalog, or "Owner's Manual" as they call it, is out. They are purveying this "French Print Shirt" they say was inspired by Cap d'Agde

When I saw this lovely eyepopper there was only one man who came to mind as capable of wearing it in public. That man would be James May. Who else could or would?

Jeeves Is My Alarm Clock

2011-03-02T16:16:00.001-05:00

Jeeves & The Morning Ritual

OMBH has expressed a fondness for Stephen Fry. I must admit that I've never found him interesting in the "luv muffin" fashion. But oh my haven't I fantasized about having a "Jeeves" style valet!

I know women don't have valets, they have maids. But I NEED a Jeeves. I need someone to get me organized in the morning so I don't leave the house looking like a Salvation Army drop box. I need someone to keep me organized and out of trouble. I need someone very Jeeves like to watch over me.

If I could leave the house in the morning feeling "pulled together" and with a lunch bag in my paw, life would be so much finer.

It would also be much finer with someone to get the rugs cleaned, clean out the fridge, and organize the disposal of my overstocked book cases.

Roger the Robot does a fabulous job of keeping the carpets and kitchen floor clean, but a Jeeves would take me to a whole nother level of domestic bliss.

As it currently stands what I have is Roger and a tiny sliver of Jeeves.

I have a Voco Talking Alarm Clock and it has the voice of Stephen Fry. The clock starts its "alarm" cycle off with birdsong, a gentle clearing of the throat, and then Mr. Fry beginning his phrase with "Good morning madam...." After that the clock selects 1 of 100 messages ranging from heartwarming to hilarious. One ends with "Oh dear, I believe I just saw a pig fly by!"

My clock is stuck on a single phrase. It repeats "You're mother phoned and she wants you to know you are the best daughter and she is inordinately fond of you." The clock has been stuck on that phrase since the week after my mom died.

I found myself forced to retire my Jeeves clock because it made me cry. However I do recommend it to readers. Click on the Voco link and have a listen to some of the sample phrases. There is a separate clock for gentlemen with appropriate address and some wild phrases. :)

WWJD? What would Jeeves Do?

2011-03-02T11:28:00.001-05:00

Stephen Fry as Jeeves.

OMBH came up with an even better question about GPS voices. What if the GPS sounded like Stephen Fry as Jeeves!

Top Things My GPS Would Say If It Sounded Like "Jeeves"

1. "Pardon me madam but this appears to be a drainage ditch and not a public thoroughfare."

2. "Madam has 'overshot the mark' so to speak. Allow me to discern an alternate route."

3. "I would not advise that turn madam."

4. "I refuse to navigate for anything that this closely resembles a self-propelled dustbin."

5. "Are you sure the chauffeur can not be persuaded to pilot this expedition?"

6. "I would not advise traversing that particular locale on one's own."

7. "Seeing as the vehicle has inconveniently wedged itself between this telephone pole and the guardrail, I have taken the liberty of contacting On Star."

8. "Madam, that person is gesturing in an unfriendly manner. May I suggest you "floor it"?

9. "Since both of your hands are required in the operation of this vehicle, allow me to gesticulate for you." (This is said before the trunk lid flies open and an automated machine gun emerges.)

10. 'Although madam is journeying in only one direction, it is not the accepted direction for this particular street.'

This Is Your GPS Speaking

2011-03-01T13:45:00.001-05:00

The joke that goes around about car GPS systems is their propensity to say "Recalculating".

I don't have a GPS system for that express reason. If I am someplace where I am so navigationally challenged I need a talking machine I don't need the thing to hem and haw if I miss a turn.

Today's modicum of silliness is my top list for who I want my GPS to sound like and what I would want it to say.

Of course I want my GPS to sound suave, calm, and positive. Based on my favorite movie and book-on-CD voices I have visions of my GPS sounding like a romantic Antonio Banderas.

Top Things My GPS Would Say If It Sounded Like Antonio Banderas.

1. "Oh my darling you missed the turn. Just keep driving and looking lovely, I'll find another route."

2. "My darling flower, the next exit is the last gasoline station for two hundred miles. Would you stop and get me something to drink?"

3. "We've arrived. If only I hand hands! I would carry those bags in for you."

4. "You are radiant this morning. May I suggest the mall instead of work?"

5. "We've arrived. You go and have some tea and a nice rest."

Of course I can resist anything but temptation. I love the soft, sibilant sounds of Jeremy Irons. I've listened to books on CD I wouldn't have normally thought of just to hear his voice reading along. This week I bought a copy of "Lolita" read by Jeremy Irons just for a treat.

Top Things My GPS Would Say if It Sounded like Jeremy Irons.

1. "Stop going in circles just to hear me say "Calculating"!"

2. "You're picking places that start with "S" on purpose aren't you?"

3. "How can I calculate where to turn when you and everyone else is driving on the wrong side of the road?"

4. "We've arrived, madam."

5. "Prepare to change lanes."

OMBH would undoubtedly select the Highly Esteemed Mr. May for her GPS voice. I'll take a stab at a few "Mayisms" that a GPS might spout. Of course I hope OMBH will send me a list of her own so I can post them here as well.

1. "You've missed the turn you pillock!"

2. "That's not Christian motoring!"

3. "Don't park me here!"

4. "I have no idea where we are."

5. "I'm not telling you anything unless you fix the vents!"

Guys Ought To Be Shot, For Prevention Of Cervical Cancer That Is

2011-03-01T11:43:00.001-05:00

There is a big bad virus lurking out there in the world. It's called HPV, human papillomavirus, and it is the leading cause for cervical cancer. It can pass through men without so much as a symptom. In others it may cause warts.

When it hits women it's a whole nother story. It can cause warts, pelvic inflammatory disease, sterility, and cervical cancer.

The good news it that there is a vaccination that can keep young women and young men from picking up the virus.

The bad news is some people insist that if girls are vaccinated they won't have any incentives not to be wanton women. That shaky logic however condemns a lot of girls and women to cervical cancer.

Especially since it is now being reported that half of the male population is carrying the HPV virus.

Even good girls can catch a good dose from their new hubby people! Wake up!

Cervical cancer is treatable and preventable!

One of the ways medical professionals are advocating for preventing the cancer is to immunize boys as well as girls against HPV. Of course there are some saying that is too expensive.

Read the article here!

Top 10 Reaons James May Wouldn't Think I'm Cool

2011-02-28T16:01:00.003-05:00

As the week kicks off with global unrest and corporate chaos, I need a distraction. In honor of OMBH today's diversion is:

"Top 10 Reason's James May Wouldn't Think I'm Cool".

10. I play dance music when I houseclean. (Think Robert Palmer singing "Know By Now")
9. I can't match all the Brandenburg Concerti to their titles without looking at the CD labels.
8. All the vents in my car point whichever way the car wash left them.
7. I drive a Cadillac
6. I laugh out loud at funny movies.
5. I drink my tea iced.
4. It's been 10 years since I've driven a manual transmission.
3. I'm not into modern art. After the impressionists, it's all a blur to me!
2. I love vampire novels.
1. I'm an American!

That's Right, I'm American and we have our own Zepplin!

This ain't James May's Caravan Airship!

We have a different take on "Keep Calm" around here too.

Order this on a T-Shirt here!

OMBH Has Got Skills!

2011-02-28T11:47:00.001-05:00

OMBH Putting in a IV is a critical skill.   Glad to know you are on the lookout for "juicy veins", this is useful to know. Especially in case I am "overcome" by something on our shopping forays. I am notorious for being tough to get a needle started in. (It doesn't help that I bite.)

I can't land an Airbus or start an IV. However if the Airbus comes with a technical manual, I may be able to keep it flying long enough to figure out how to use the "auto land".   As far as the "delivering twins" thing goes, I can make you a martini while you deliver the twins.

My skill set includes recovering entire financial databases for several large concerns. I'm also proficient at breaking any electronic gadget merely by being in proximity to it. I can make bread without a bread machine. I'm getting to be a crack shot at interpreting engine codes.   I can bind a book on a rookie level. I can work Microsoft Office Suite. I can do some silver work. I have done a bit on enamelling. I can read a sewing pattern, acquire the necessary materials, and construct the garment. I've made a Ren Fest costume complete with a "boned" lacer. I can perform very basic knitting. I'm a very good researcher.

When I look at it my whole skill set is a bit esoteric and certainly widely varied.

Emails are circulating at work. Speculation is going on. We may be in for a lockout come Friday. A union email came out saying what to expect during a lockout. Budget wrangling seems to have been forgotten all of a sudden. All anybody is talking about is Colin Firth and Charlie Sheen.

I will give you that Colin Firth is sumptuous. As for the "Bridget Jones" scenario, I'd have tossed the Hugh Grant character out of an open 4th floor window to keep the "Colin Firth" character.   However Colin Firth is not gonna be paying my mortgage so he is not up there with budget talks.

As far as Charlie Sheen goes, everybody gawks at a train wreck. However, nationwide hundreds of thousands of people are about to be thrown out of work by politicians grandstanding. That makes some guy ranting about being out of work because of his own illegal drug habits sound like a bit of a whiner.

P.S. OMBH, I think this pic was taken during a voiceover recording. I like the neatly trimmed clean fingernails. That's the mark of a gentlemen. Either that or somebody with obsessive compulsive disorder. :)

Fingers, Not the Fish Kind

2011-02-26T12:29:00.001-05:00

Wild, Wild, Life

2011-02-24T18:23:00.001-05:00

More political wrangling around the world and in my little corner of it.

Reassurances have been circulating. There are some that say we will be paid even if we are locked out for a few days, there are some saying we won't be paid if we are locked out, some say we won't be locked out, and others say nothing is going to change.

Congress is on vacation while the country falls apart. They haven't inked any budget deals. Why isn't someone locking these clowns in a room until they reach a compromise? Can't we do the budget like they elect the pope? Don't they understand if they shut down the government then income tax refund processing will stop? If refund processing stops right about now there will be some folks cramming their butts in the voting booth with a vengeance come election time.

OMBH, no job interviews have been forthcoming. I'll have to keep you posted. I don't know how active THEMM is since his drive off a cliff last week.

I should mention that I have a special job skill. I can, without trying, break any piece of electrical equipment. I have reinforced that today by shorting out the graphics card in my workstation. I also had my new portable XM RADIO go dead.

May I say that XM radio is great radio programming but they have such horrid customer service that they deserve to go out of business! They've outsourced their phones to someplace farther away than India. Nobody at the service center understands American English. Since XM/Sirius only broadcasts over the continental United States and parts of Canada why did should customers have to learn Korean to talk to the service center? URGH!

I'm really on the edge of cancelling my XM services for both the car and the hand held just so I don't have to deal with XM customer service any more.

OMBH Fredericksburg is 2 hours away from the in. The Woodbridge IKEA is 1 1/2 hours. Email me and let me know what you think.

Spurious pic of Liam Neeson sunning himself.

A Few Minor Decisions Made

2011-02-23T14:49:00.003-05:00

I am changing my name to Amber and I'm going to start wearing my breasts on the "outside" of my clothing. Now that "I'm older and I have my insurance" I feel that I must adapt to continue to curry favor in the modern world.

Granted I may get arrested or pelted with rocks and garbage, it will be a change from being completely invisible.

That decision made I will relate the sad news from this week's episode of Top Gear. Apparently James May drove off a cliff in Algeria and is no more. According to Jeremy and Richard, James drove off a cliff in a Yugo masquerading as a Bentley. He has been deceased since sometime the beginning of last season of Top Gear. Of course they must have regenerated him the same way they did the Stig. Who knows?

I tuned into to Top Gear looking forward to seeing a Bentley Mulsane. (For a while it was James Bond's choice of cars in the novels.) Bentley however must have gotten teed off at Top Gear the same way Chrysler did, they pulled their car from loan to the show.

Bentley Mulsane with Invisible James May at the Wheel.

James May's demise dually reported, I can move on to my next decision.

Last weekend I finally came clean to LM and told him the awful truth. I have, for some time, been married to a popular public figure. LM's response was "As long as it makes you happy and doesn't interfere with our time together, I don't care."

It appears he and I have settled in to a staid and lackadaisical relationship.

Next there is this:

Liam Neeson dressed as Rob Roy in Kick-A** mode.

Leam Neeson in a kilt with a wonking great big sword and looking cheesed off is on my list of yummy looking things today. It's better than James May with pantyhose on his head. That was creepy.   (Jeremy with pantyhose on his head looked oddly natural.)

While incapacitated with the "virus of yuck" last week I watched "The Other Man" staring Liam Neeson. He plays a widower who discovers his late wife had been having an ongoing affair. I was amazed to think anyone would cheat on something "Liam-ish" until I discovered that the "other man" was portrayed by Antionio Banderas.    Then it became obvious the woman in the movie did the only thing she could, she died in self-defense. How could you choose?

To top the day off with a bit of zest, it came out that the company I work for may engage in a lock-out next week. We may all be out in the street for an indeterminate amount of time.   They had been talking furlough days to balance the budget, now they're talking lock out.

Oh joy. I can apply for unemployment during the lock out but the Federal Government is about to be "shut down" due to a budget crisis and that would impact my ability to get unemployment.   Could be nasty.

If the highly esteemed Mr. May reads this blog and would like to hire a new assistant, I would gladly provide a resume and references. I have a valid passport, clean security check, and a suitcase ready to go where the work is. I also have a fully equipped home office for telecommuting.   Thank you for your consideration.

Planning Your Own Funeral While Listening To Dance Music

2011-02-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

It's more difficult to get maudlin about a choice of cremation urns when some one is bellowing, "I'm wearing fur pajamas, I ride a hot potato!" in your ear.

The lawyer has insisted that I put the details of my final wishes for the disposition of my body in my will. This makes perfect sense of course, but it's a downer anyway. Since, if things get tricky, my lawyer will be the one executing my will and disposing of my carcass, it pays to be specific.   I already have a cemetery plot. My grandmother bought the family plots before I was born.   If I'd get my act together and get my mother put to rest, I could be wedged in next to her. (Not to worry, she has been cremated and is not "on hold" in a freezer someplace until I can get my act together.)   The deal with putting mom to rest is that the veterans' cemetery has been having a bit of a scandal about loosing people and mis-marking graves.   The management is being replaced and turmoil abounds. There is also, unfortunately, a spate of new war dead coming into the cemetery. I feel that mom can wait until the families of those who have lost their lives in recent war have been able to put their loved ones to rest.

As for me. I'm supposed to decide if I want the estate to pay to send my nearest and dearest to some scenic spot to morn my demise and scatter my ashes. I think perhaps not. However if LM has a memorial for me at his branch of 'The Church of What's Happening Now" I have a scripture request, 2 hymn requests, and I'm thinking of asking them to finish the service up with "Yo Ho A Pirates Life For Me".   When I exit this life I will be going home to my entire family and several dear departed friends and loves. I will be safely in the loving arms of the Lord. My camel and I will be partying up at the spiritual oasis. No sense leaving anyone here without a smile and a reminder of the sure and certain promise of salvation.

That said, it is still rather a teary eyed process.

I should get myself on the phone to the veteran's cemetery and get mom on the waiting list for an interment.   It's time to get this show on the road so I can get back to the business of living.

Sopwith Snipe Hunting

2011-02-22T15:22:00.002-05:00

Valentine's Day 2011 has snuggled itself into history. I have a new music box with a carousel camel figure on top. LM has had a lovely triple stacked chicken dinner. Cards have been exchanged.

I had been looking for a model airplane kit on Evil-Bay to give as a present but didn't find one in time.

LM has had his heart set on a model kit for a Sopwith Snipe for quite some time. He bids and, ironically, gets "sniped" at the last minute. EBAY has a plethora of Snipe models in 1/72 but LM wants a kit big enough he might actually put it together without going completely blind.

Sopwith Snipe Getting Up To Business

Cockpit of the Sopwith Snipe.

By now, dear reader, you are probably shaking your head and thinking. "You moron! Sopwith made the Camel! Snipes do not exist! Remember Snoopy! He flew a Camel!"

The Camel and the daring Snoopy notwithstanding, Sopwith also made the "Snipe" and it made the "Pup" and it made the "Dolphin". And if you survived piloting a Sopwith Dolphin you had "ones' made of brass" and the luck of a box of rabbit's feet!

Sopwith Dolphin In Flight.
Notice where the pilot's head is!

Notice where the pilot's head is in the pic above while the plane is in flight. Sure, he can aim his machine gun over the wing and over the propeller but he also gets smacked in the head with everything coming over the wing. Just for added excitement the nose heavy design of the Dolphin made it tend to tip nose forward and flip on landing. I

Flying was a mad, mad business in WWI.

Remember that the Brits wouldn't let their pilots have parachutes. The opinion was that, if they could "jump', the pilots would bail out in the middle of a fight. (Of course, the "powers that were" forgot all about how a man floating beneath a parachute was a prime target for enemy gunfire.) The Brits also wouldn't copy the design for a synchro gear so their planes could fire through the propellers. They decided that copying the enemy's technology wasn't "fair" in warfare. They waited until they invented their own, despite captured enemy Fokker's with synchro gears for the taking.

Madness all over and all around.

It almost makes flying around in a camper trailer tied to a blimp look sane. February's Top Gear Calendar Pinup is the highly esteemed Mr. May sailing about in his "Caravan Airship". (OMBH did you receive my email about the calendar?)

As February melts into spring I'm recovering from a week long bout with some virus that plowed me down but not under. I had the dubious honor of missing 4 days from work last week and still being able to show up at Midnight Sunday to work on "start up" shift. We all got to stand out in the sleet and wait for the security guards to wake up and let us in. Then we got to watch the system lumber to life after repairs.

As a result I wound up getting home at 1:30 a.m. to find LM on the sofa web surfing for a Sopwith Snipe.   As I ate my 'middle of the night breakfest' and unwound, LM showed me his newest found photos of WWI aircraft while the movie "High Noon" rolled across the TV in the background.

Today I can't quite explain how out of kilter I feel. The world appears to be wonky all around. Even though I know things are no different than they have always been. People are still people.   I feel as though I have been touched or tapped by something I can't see and can't explain. There aren't any words for it beyond that. It's an odd-kilter day.

I just now realize that my MP3 player has been repeating ELO's "It's Getting To The Point" for the last hour. There seems to be something about that song that strikes a chord today, but I'm too out of focus to say what.

Perhaps this evening I'll spend a little time in the studio and see what I cook up. The Photoshop lessons are coming along nicely. I've subscribed to a monthly tutorial site.   It's a bit bumpy but the tutorials are good. I hope to start turning out some digitally prepared things shortly.

Meanwhile I'm getting back in my trusty Cadillac Snipe and heading out onto the de-iced roads for a trip to the grocer's.

Fair weather and following winds!

They Moved The Post Office Into Another Zip Code

2011-02-17T17:59:00.011-05:00

I went to check my PO Box today and discovered it was gone. Not only was the PO Box gone but the whole post office was gone. They whole thing was packed up and moved to the butt end of a mail truck loading building in the next zip code. Yep the post office for "Yippity City" is now technically in "DoDa Township".

I found the place, lined up, got my mail, received my new PO Box keys and wondered "What next?". This is the second post office in a month that's gotten the boot around here. The "DoDa Township" post office was in a strip mall and got snatched back to the mail truck loading building on the other end of town.

The Post Office is suffering. The whole federal government is suffering. Mostly they are suffering from the politicians.

If anyone could get a close look I bet they whole lot of legislators in Washington are still working a maximum 3 day week and their pensions are secure. Why should a legislator work 4 years for the federal government and never have to work again? Why should they keep a pension when the rank and file federal employee is going to be robbed of the pension system they've been paying into for 30 years?    How can it save money to cut a fully funded pension system that isn't draining the federal coffers? It won't save the feds a penny. But it gives them a priceless scape goat to hold up for the camera. They get to say "See we are vanquishing the evil federal spendthrifts" while they have to hold down a laugh the whole time.

There are a lot of innocent people who have worked a lot of years that are about to get it in the neck. The sad thing is that they are getting in the neck for no reason other than show.

The cartoon character "Arthur" was out in the street in front of the Capital yesterday pleading for his life.  PBS children's funding is on the chopping block.

The legislators want to furlough federal employees 20 days between now and September 30. What working class family can afford almost a month unpaid?

The cuts being tossed out on camera aren't adding up to anything real. The union breakers are out in force and the worker is being blamed for companies running offshore.

It's getting ugly out there friends. I know I'm not supposed to get political. My employers will have my head for it. But the last time I looked I was still an American so I'm going to scream at the top of my lungs until they make it unconstitutional.

I'm also going to invoke the one's who said it best. Even if they are from the U.K.

Sugar Bee

2011-02-15T15:54:00.002-05:00

If you have XM radio you may have heard Bernie Taupin's "American Roots Radio". (Yes that Bernie Taupin.) I've managed to record the ellusive show on my XM handheld a grand sum total of once.

The more than highly esteemed Mr. Taupin (MTHEMT) cranks out obscure and not so obscure American roots music. He enlightens you to funky old bluesmen, forgotten hits, and all things spicy and American.

The singular episode I've caught starts out with MTHEMT telling the story of Cedell Davis. Mr. Davis had his right hand mangled by polio and his legs mangled in a people stampede during the raid of a blues show. As a result Mr. Davis taught himself to play guitar left handed on a flipped upside down right handed guitar. Instead of guitar pick he substituted a butter knife. Also he apparently tuned by ear so his results were variable. "I Don't Know Why" was the track played on the show. Mr. Davis did well despite his challenges.

The second recording up on the show was "Sugar Bee" by Cleveland Crochet. The thing is catchy, old timey, juke jointy, and stuck in my head. Think "Fried Green Tomato" old time 1940's southern bluesy music. Think very early Elvis imitating the old bluesmen. Think Rod Stewart voice, zydeco squeeze box, and snappy one-two dance beat.

The third track is "Lavender Coffin" and it picks up speed from there.

The TG 3 can crack on America all they want, we've got Bernie Taupin all the way from Lincolnshire.

I would also like to point out that if the TG3 had driven a few more hours north on the U.S. east coast they could have driven right smack through "Bethlehem" without having to leave the comfort of paved roads. The small town of Bethlehem Marland even boasts a star that burns both by day and by night. It's made up of a neat formation of light bulbs and it is draped on wires over the road at the center of town.

When I was a kid we'd pile into the car and drive over to Bethlehem to mail Christmas cards.

Now back to some questions OMBH asked about my unusual visitors from earlier in the week.

1. Sparkly belly button issue: "Yes! A Merman has got to have bling! Jeweled belly button is mandatory!
2. Dotted Lines: "Don't know either! For some reason the stamp maker felt they had to label and outline the parts of the merman torso. There is "a" for armpits" and "6" and "3" on the "goodie trail" and that makes no sense since the stamp cuts off there.
3. Sparkly Lines: "Mandatory! Merfolk must be sparkly! Scales, fins, and imaginary bits included!"

I have no idea what you mean about alcohol and sparkly things around your house. I refuse to think you would use ruffies and handcuffs on a merman! They are an endangered species!

It all happened on the way to Bethlehem. . . .

2011-02-15T12:10:00.001-05:00

Just when you thought it was safe to turn the television back on last night's "Top Gear Goes to Bethlehem" aired. Of course this was the Christmas special in the UK and it showed up here in time for Valentine's Day.

James got his head bashed in on a rock and had to be hauled off to the hospital. Jeremy Clarkson went swimming in the Sea of Galilee. Richard Hammond avoided the fate of "Lawrence" amongst the native men. And then they crossed the line.

Along the journey the TG 3 called themselves wise men and said they were looking for gifts to take to Bethlehem. Richard bought gold. James bought frankincense. Jeremy bought a video game console. They arrived at a manger attended by a faux holy family and they presented their gifts to what appeared to be a baby Stig.

I am not calling for any of the TG crew to be whipped, put in the stocks, or dunked until they drown. I am feeling more offended than I'd like to admit. It's not just the baby Stig that didn't sit well either. It was dropping the TG3 in a war zone or faking dropping them in a war zone. The whole episode was taking things too far. When James was knocked down and rendered unconscious by a tow line it seemed to sum up how "too far" the whole episode went.

tim holtz - valentine mini book - 1 Sheet of Paper, 15 minutes, Totally Cool!

2011-02-14T16:45:00.001-05:00

Moonlight Serenade

2011-02-12T20:32:00.001-05:00

Odd Visitors

2011-02-11T20:34:00.001-05:00

It must be the cold medicines and supreme jealousy of OMBH's frolics in Florida, I'm seeing very odd visitors.

I've Gone All Flowery Shirty?!?

2011-02-10T14:12:00.001-05:00

My artsy side is having a battle against my practical side. As much as I love using Blogger software to get things posted without a struggle, I hate the templates. Moreover I can't seem to find a background that I like.

The blaze orange psychidelic thingy was fun for a while. Currently I'm enamored with a background with blue and peonies on it. I like the shade of blue. I would like to do something else with the peonies though.

As someone pointed out to me, the flowered background looks like I've appropriated one of the HEMM's shirts. (HEMM= highly esteemed Mr. May)

On that, I can say the effect is totally unintentional. In fact that comment has made me redouble my efforts to become proficient with Photoshop Elements. I've spent quite a few hours with tutorials and books and I can certainly say that PE is a heck of a lot more complicated that anything ought to be!

To spur my efforts I have posted a pic below of the "HEMM" wearing a nicely made shirt that looks exactly like the wallpaper in my mother's dining room in the 1980's.

Seriously, I have scores of books of copyright free graphics. I have sketchbooks and workbooks full of my own collage work. It drives me a bit mad that I can't work either into the wacky templates from Blogger.

The problem is that the background image required by the template must be a certain size and a certain resolution. I am no where near the point where I can get things re_blocked to be used by the template with PE. It took the 'quick start' lesson an hour to go over all the ways to open a freaking picture!

I have also discovered that PE has "facial recognition" built into it. PE examined a folder of Top Gear pics and it was able to recognize each of the TG3 and label each photo according to TG members in the pic. Impressive but still not getting me a new background for the Tuxedo Inn.

Top Gear: James May, My First Car Story

2011-02-08T20:35:00.001-05:00

Squeeeeeeeee!

2011-02-02T15:19:00.001-05:00

Richard Hammond now has an official website! It's called The Hamster's Cage and it's full of hamster goodies. (No not the kind you tried to feed your brother at Easter!)

http://www.thehamsterscage.com/

What are you waiting for! Head over to The Hamster's Cage and get your SQUEE! on!

After a day of planning my mother's and my own funerals I was in serious need of a good smile! (Damn having to do wills.) Thanks for the smile Hamster!

Rockin' At The House Of Blue Light

2011-02-02T11:54:00.001-05:00

Phillip goLITE Blue

Today I'm rockin' the blue light special here in my dungeon. It's been too dark for too long and it's time for a little shot of blue spectrum light to remind my body clock it's actually supposed to be morning.

It's been an odd week all around anyway. I've fallen under the spell of Californication on Showtime. I went to jewelery making class to finish up a bracelet and discovered that I could no longer see the work even with a magnifying visor. I created an interesting shaggy bracelet with the "scales" from the Ring Lord but I haven't figured out and easy way to fasten the thing. I suspect I will skip the conventional bracelet catch and use elastic to make the thing a "pull on".

CBS news has apparently lost their ability to recognize people and have said that Richard Hammond has enraged the Mexican nation by saying Mexican nationals are "feckless and flatulent". We all know that Jeremy had to have said that. Richard avoids making comments like that and tries to be diplomatic. Also Richard would have said 'dodgy and windy'. The link to the article is here.

Clarkson is quoted as saying "Who would want to buy a Mexican car anyway?" and that the food looks like "refried sick". Clarkson routinely says that American cars are garbage and we're all too fat to waddle down the street. I haven't seen Obama demanding a Bugatti and two cases of lager by way of an apology.

Seriously? Is it going to turn out the last person in the world who can say anything without fear of being keelhauled is Carlos Mencia?

Being the type of place to double check things on occasion, maybe, I have looked for another source of the story. The Guardian in the UK reports the same sort of thing but in a kinder tone.

Sounds like somebody needs to put on their big boy pants and cope. If I can handle being called a fat n'er do well every week and still enjoy the show, I think perhaps the entire Mexican nation can be big enough let it slide. But that's just my opinion and I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who will want to scream at me until I change it. Tough luck. I'm a member of one of the last groups that can be routinely mocked, derided, and debased with impunity. . . I'm a blond American woman.

Blub, blub, blub

2011-02-01T15:54:00.001-05:00

He had me at:

"Whoa Nelly! Are you telling me that smarmy piece of wiener cheese took his love to town?"

In the time it took me to find the "5" button on the television remote Showtime reeled me in with that fabulous piece of dialogue. Uttered by "Professor" Hank Moody while fending off advances from the collegiate dean's wife, Moody's reaction to the distressed damsel's claims of her husband's infidelity left me laughing to tears.

Who gets good dialogue like that anymore? "Smarmy piece of wiener cheese" says it all more elegantly than a string of profanity could. It just twangs the ear nerve and makes you smile.

Thanks to Showtime On Demand I've been able to back up and start with Season 3 of the critically acclaimed show. The character of writer Hank Moody, played by David Duchovny, runs a brilliant line of narrative across the top of the show's unwinding story. He's a down on luck writer with a penchant for pills and alcohol and a total inability to turn down any strange that comes his way. Unfortunately for Hank he exudes the kind of wit, cool, and rogue charm that ensures he has more women throwing himself at him than Gerard Butler and George Clooney combined. In episode after episode Hank never quite gets around to saying "no" and it costs him his proclaimed "soul mate" over and over again.

Guest stars like Rick Springfield and Peter Fonda appear, misbehave, and wend on out through the storyline. There is more sex than I can imagine human beings engaging in and still being able to ambulate. As much as I want to be disgusted by the almost bad porno plot line I can't help but love the dialogue and the inner monologue running from Hank Moody. He is a charming rogue and he's reeled me in too.

Captain Fussy Must Be Doing Computer Posters Now

2011-01-26T11:38:00.000-05:00

Jamie & The Magic Torch

2011-01-25T17:24:00.002-05:00

Jamie & His Dog Wordsworth

Until this morning I was blissfully unaware of Jamie and his magic torch. I'm sure OMBH will find herself unsettlingly in the same predicament.

This morning I was hurtling along, late for a doctor's appointment, and I switched on my car's XM Radio receiver for a dose of BBC1. The on air personalities were comparing some pop song the the theme for "Jamie and The Magic Torch" and my innocence was shattered.

In the 1970's "Jamie" was a UK children's television show set around a little boy named "Jamie" and his dog "Wordsworth". Each night after lights out Jamie would shine his magic torch (flashlight) on the floor and it would open up an inter dimensional portal. The boy and dog would leap through the portal and caper about in Cuckooland.

That plot line sounds somewhat familiar to something I've been reading on the web lately.

I can't wait to look for clips of the show on the interwebs.

What do you think OMBH? Do you think James And The Magic Torch might give you a thrill as well?

P.S. This evening I am spending the dinner hour with my lawyer doing up my will and advanced medical directive. Oh joy. I'm sure I will need a little frivolity when I'm done.

BBC Hosts Found In Disney World's Haunted Mainsion Attraction

2011-01-25T17:09:00.001-05:00

Another "news article" from the future was found tacked up behind the bar at the Tuxedo Inn this morning.

It seems we have more news of the dire predicament of several BBC television presenters.

Stranger Tides Land BBC Telvision Presenters In Haunted Hot Water

At 6 a.m. this morning Walt Disney World cast members discovered two BBC television presenters locked inside the Haunted Mansion attraction.

"Ricky The Guinea Pig" and "Captain Fussy" were found dressed in Victorian Period "Dandy" costumes and trussed to dining chairs seated at the banquet table in the ride's "Haunted Party" scene. While earlier reports listed Ricky as missing, no one from the BBC staff had reported Fussy as absent. When questioned, the third presenter involved in the incident, Rip "Snorter", replied, "I didn't report him missing because I didn't want him found!"

Both presenters seem to have weathered their adventure well. While "Guinea Pig" was unable to walk, he laughed and made odd jokes about 'Barbossa's Beard" all the way to hospital. He is being treated for dehydration and electrolyte imbalance.

"Captain Fussy" was able to ambulate but complained that he had been forcibly tattooed on his left calf. Reports for the TI Newsletter attempted to get photographs of the tattoo to no avail. Sources say it is a technicolor peacock with a marijuana cigarette in its beak.

When pressed by police for details on where they had been both men responded, "We have no idea, but it wasn't half a ripper!"

Heyoka, Gonzo, The Trickster

2011-01-24T14:54:00.000-05:00

 The Edge. . . there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is have gone over. --Hunter S. Thompson

If you've used an IBM Selectric you know this feeling.
Hunter S. Thompson, creator of the term "Gonzo Lifestyle" takes aim.

I was advised this week that I should pay more attention to the Heyoka and Trickster archetypes and energies. The Heyoka are Native American sacred clowns. They do things backwards and make fun of the "sacred cows" of society. The trickster is KoKopeli or Nazradeen or the Court Jester.

It was all a little hard for me to grasp until someone compared the Heyoka energy to the Gonzo lifestyle. Nobody could tell the ugly truth in all its ridiculous duality like Hunter S. Thompson. "Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas" is a masterwork. Watch the movie, ignore the doped up drunks falling down, and listen to the narrative running along over the dialogue. That is Johnny Depp channelling the worlds of Hunter. S. Thompson, he's telling a version of the American truth that can't be told without the mayhem in the background.

It's time to dig out my copy of the movie, even more time to dig out my copy of the book. For every time Hunter points out some inane insane way of the world it's like having someone whisper in my ear, "Yeah I see it to." In all the madness he convinces me that the both of us are stone cold sane and wide awake.

The Muppet's Gonzo takes a shot at the "Gonzo" lifestyle.

If you're going to be crazy, you have to get paid for it or else you're going to be locked up.

-- Hunter Thompson

With All Due Apologies to OMBH's Kids

2011-01-24T11:35:00.003-05:00

This morning at the Tuxedo Inn we discovered another "future" clipping from our newsletter. The clipping was tacked up over the bar along with a note that read, "You have to give him back!"

BBC Television Presenter Missing After Misadventure In Disney World

A BBC television presenter has disappeared after a filming mishap in Disney World. "Ricky The Guinea Pig", a beloved BBC personality was working with his fellow show mates on a challenge to "improve" the "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride when a group of park visitors was accidentally sent through the ride. The incident that ensued, described in a previous edition of this newsletter, lead to 2 park guests donning costumes from the ride and disappearing in a vintage Police Call Box.

Additional review of security camera footage shows that the TI member dressed as "Captain Barbossa" was dragging a large duffel bag during her escape. When the security video was enhanced the bag could be seen "moving" on its own. Some speculate that perhaps "Guinea Pig" was forced into the bag and abducted.

Neither of the TI members suspected of being involved in the incident have been seen in several days. "Captain Barbossa's" TI apartment has shown signs of life but no one will answer the door. Pink's song "Raise Your Glass" has been heard played repeatedly along with muffled laughter and loud banging noises. Multiple requests for room service have been made.

P.S. OMBH do your kids laugh at this stuff or do they just think we're gonzo?

Overstimulated

2011-01-23T22:42:00.001-05:00

Saturday night excitement is pictured above. What you can't make out from the pic is that my overloaded desk has 4 computers, a printer, an external monitor, a wireless mouse, 2 telephones, a blackberry, a Nook reader, an external disc drive, a USB hub, an XM radio, 2 fountain pens, a rocker blotter, and 4 bottles of ink. You can see the Kleenex box, the desk lamp, and the pen container.

A portion of that excessive technology was brought to bear on misbehaving databases on Saturday night. It took me six hours of prime clubbing time to set things to rights.

I know one must earn one's crust but Captain Barbossa needs to get his swerve on! Hope the Red Headed Wench had more fun!

Small News Article from Tuxedo Inn Newsletter . . . January 31st?

2011-01-21T17:13:00.001-05:00

A smallish blue police call box just left the lobby of the Tuxedo Inn. We all saw it go but nobody saw anyone come out of it. All that was left behind was a newspaper article from the as yet unwritten January 31st issue of the TI Newsletter.

Stranger Tides Carrying Visitors Away At Disney World

The "Pirates of the Caribbean" ride at Walt Disney World Resort was closed for several hours yesterday after riders caused a mild disturbance inside the ride.

Sources say that a British automotive television show was filming a segment inside the ride when the show's personalities were recognized by ride patrons. The ride was supposed to be closed to park patrons until the BBC hosts had made small modifications to the attraction. The idea being that American theme park aficionado's would vote on how they felt about the UK team's updates to the ride.

Park patrons appear to have been admitted early while the television hosts were still working. The first "boat" through the ride contained 2 prominent Tuxedo Inn members. In the ride's battle scene the fake cannons had been altered to launch light weight resin cannon balls. However the aiming tests had not been concluded and a canon ball struck one of our members in the face breaking their dental work.

As best as can be gathered from security film footage, the TI members then exited their boats and scrabbled through the infrastructure of the ride in pursuit of the television host.

Sounds of a female voice screaming "You are paying for this temp you freaking weasel!" can be heard on the recording.

The light in the attraction was low but it appears that when the television host was chased into the next section of the ride, one of his co-hosts had altered the positions of the animatronic figures to resemble an orgy. That television host, fearing personal injury, climbed into the steel cat walks above the ride and watched as his companion was made part of the ride by the women chasing him.

When all was done, a BBC television presenter with the initals J.M.was trussed to the "well" feature of the ride in place of the village mayor and was repeatedly dunked into the well by a hydraulic lift.

One TI member donned the discarded costume of the infamous "Red Headed Wench" and stood in front of the bobbing television host and sang the Katy Perry song "Peacock". The other TI member donned Captain Barbosa's uniform, stole the bandanna from the Captain Sparrow figure and began looking for an emergency exit. At that point what appeared to be a vintage London Police Call Box appeared within the attraction, the door opened, and both ladies entered. The box then disappeared through some unseen trap door. We wish the ladies the best of luck at evading prosecution and using the rest of their Magic Kingdom Season Passes.

Johnny Depp to star in POTC 4 "On Stranger Tides"

Response To Red Headed Wench?

2011-01-21T11:09:00.000-05:00

Preening for Mr. Clarkson

Dear Madam I Am No Ambien Freak!

I use other sleep aids. I prefer those less likely to send me to the corner convenience store and fried chicken emporium at 2 a.m. dressed in my "Captain Slow" t-shirt, vintage undies, and flip flops.
Besides it is more than mildly aggravating to wake up on the kitchen floor with fried chicken bones rolled up in my hair!

OMBH, I have a Ren Fest floofy blouse and lacer vest that will give you cleavage for yards if you'd like to wear that for your POTC trip!

Given the chance of alcohol and Clarkson fueled mayhem, I'd probably relieve Old Capt. Barbossa of his costume and see how many ride guests I could startle before they chucked me out.

Given the idea of the TG3 let loose to cause mayhem on that hallowed and venerated Disney attraction, I imagine that James would up the mayhem by fiddling with the cannons, Clarkson would put the risque back in it by stripping off the mannequins and leaving them in suggestive poses, and Hammond would work his way into the animatronic displays and leap out at people. With our luck the TG3 will get just that assignment as a challenge and it will set back U.S. - U.K. relations a few hundred years.

Can you imagine James going through the Haunted Mansion? He'd probably spoil all the illusions for everybody within earshot. We all know they're old magicians tricks, but we love them anyway!

In my stash of stuff I actually have a CD of the POTC soundtrack start to finish. Disney was so paranoid about copying it won't even play in a computer CD drive. This is problematic and the only place I can play the CD now is in the car.

As for "that" man talking me into mischief. . . . wellllllllllllll When I was in the delicate flower of my youth I would have spotted him as a bad apple and immediately run away. However as I have gained experience in the wide world, I have come to the realization that I don't have anywhere near the recommended allowance of fun. Short of murder, arson, treason, or grand theft, I think I'd enjoy being talked into all sorts of things.

Since OMBH is going to be resisting temptation at POTC soon, I will include the lyrics to their catchy little ditty so she can be well versed in the song!

Yo Ho, Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life for Me!

We pillage, plunder, we rifle and loot,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We kidnap and ravage and don't give a hoot,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We extort and pilfer, we filch and sack,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

Maraud and embezzle and even highjack,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We kindle and char and enflame and ignite,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We burn up the city, we're really a fright,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We're rascals and scoundrels, we're villains and knaves,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We're devils and black sheep, really bad eggs,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

We're beggars and blighters and ne'er do well cads,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

Aye, but we're loved by our mommies and dads,

Drink up, me 'arties, yo ho!

A Formula One Car, An Open Highway, & Prescription Sleep Aids

2011-01-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

Artie Shaw is blasting out "Blue Skies" , the sky outside is turning January-Maryland-Gray, and the newsmen are all clucking about an approaching snow storm. Predictions are for 3 inches of snow. My "sense of adventure" is telling me they are wrong. We'll all know tomorrow.

Tuesday morning everything was a solid sheet of ice. My company allowed us to all come in late, which was handy. I had no intention of lashing on ice skates to get to the car in the first place.

In cold weather my car gives you a start up message on the dash. It flashes the temperature and displays "Ice Possible, Press Clear to Continue". I want to hack that display module so it says, "Ice Possible, Please Don't Crash Me!"

I've hacked the messages on my pinball machine. The stock score screen alternates between high scores and a warning to "Say No To Drugs". I have altered the machine to follow the FBI drug warning with a plug for the Tuxedo Inn "Friday Night 2 for 1 Klonipin!" special. We are a mellow lot at the Inn, we've hit that stage where nothing appeals quite like a night of uninterrupted sleep.

It is this quest for sleep that collided abruptly with the image of OMBH, Myself, and Jeremy Clarkson speeding down an empty 4 lane highway in a 3 seater Formula 1 style road car. Yes a huge F1 car, 3 seats across on a bench, no roof, Nomex suits, and helmets. Mr. Clarkson was at the wheel and bizarrely out of uniform. I got the impression we were racing to Disney World Orlando. How Clarkson had managed to clear the highway I don't know. OMBH and I found out much more about the mad bad boy than either of us wanted to know. The alarm buzzed before we arrived at "Happy Large Rodent World".   No "Pirates of the Caribbean" for us! I can only imagine what the 3 of us would have done to the animatronic "Captain Jack" if we'd been able to reach him. I have the distinct feeling the "Red Headed Wench" would have never been the same either had our chauffeur gotten hold of her.

On cue my XM Recorder has rolled over to a 1947 version of the Modernaires doing "Zip-a-Dee-Do-Dah".

I've given up on my dream of going to Disney World this year. I don't have the leave saved up and I don't feel good enough to go anyway.    Luv Monkey has not been apprised of our change in plans, but I don't think he'll mind. He doesn't have anyone to take over caring for the flock of cats and herd of little old ladies he manages on a daily basis.

In response one of LM's questions about Jeremy Clarkson, I interwebbed and found Mr. Clarkson's advertised birth date. At that point I decided that I have aged very well. LM is feeling a bit in a quandary because he is actually older than Jeremy.   We didn't speculate on the highly esteemed Mr. May's age. He seems to be in the power of some odd hobgoblin and garnering an accurate estimate of age is impossible.

Had the HEMM (highly esteemed Mr. May),  escorted OMBH and me to Disney World, he would not have been so inappropriately out of uniform. (Unless, of course, OMBH tampered with his costume.) HEMM would have also eschewed molesting the Red Headed Wench and set to adjusting the battle scene's cannons so that they actually fired projectiles.

It goes that any of the 3 wouldn't stand in line for the African Safari park. The Stig would perhaps go directly to the car test ride and show them how to break it in twelve different places all at once.

The last time LM and I went to the "World" we got stuck in the "It's A Small World" in the "Holland" room. In an act of mercy, someone turned off the soundtrack and we were left in the boat surrounded by the hiss, pop, and click of the hydraulically driven dolls. Those eerie little creatures continued jumping up and down and swiveling their heads oblivious to their lack of soundtrack. Their staring eyes and painted faces depicting in allegory the daily futility of the jobs LM and I would soon return to. The magical river of pretend childhood did not carry us away from care but directly into it.

Did I mention that sleep aids can sometimes leave you a little loopy the next day?   That is on top of giving you very odd dreams.

What do you think OMBH? Do you think that man in the pic above could talk us into anything?

Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge in Blue Raspberry Is Toxic? Who Knew?

2011-01-14T17:15:00.001-05:00

I've been known for making poor food choices. But two things I've never done is eat gravy on french fried potatoes or ingest a fruit bar named "Toxic Waste Nuclear Sludge". Turns out that the latter was a smart move.

The FDA has issued a warning and recall for the "Toxic Waste" brand candies. They are made in Pakistan and they are very high in lead.

Who on earth would have thought kids candy would be made on the other side of the world and shipped in? From Canada or Mexico maybe, but from Pakistan? Why are we importing food from Pakistan? If it's full of lead, it makes you wonder what else has been tossed in there. Bugs? Feces? Real Boogers?

Makes you want to read those food labels carefully now doesn't it?

Something as simple as corner-store-candy has always seemed so innocent and harmless. You just assumed it was made in the U.S. from high fructose corn syrup and some food dye. The global economy strikes again.

You Got The Mange You Say?

2011-01-12T16:12:00.000-05:00

Sneak Peeks at Tim Holtz' New Sizzix Dies
You tell me that one on the right doesnt' look like it says "Magnet" or "Mange"

Winter CHA is coming up. That means all the yummy supply companies like Graphics 45 and Tim Holtz are coming up with new things to break the budget with.

Tim Holtz is giving sneak peeks of his new dies on his web site. I was doing pretty good figuring out what they were until I saw the one on the right of the pic above.

"Magnet" was my first guess. But then there's no "T" on the end. Then I thought "Mange". But who wants to scrapbook about having the mange? Margarine? Migraine? Maggie? I know darn well it doesn't say "James May". I finally saw the "I" and realized it's "Imagine".

I think it's more fun to "Imagine" what it might be. Even better, what travesty you might be able to construct with it.

Look closely at the dies pictured above. The light color is the background. The darker color is what is "cut out" of the paper you use. It creates an "outline" effect. You are going to have to take all those little cut out pieces and line them up to spell the word. Each little piece will need glue or tape. Are we thinking "Royal Pain In The A**" ?

Graphics 45 is putting out 2 new lines of papers. Vintage circus and the other is vintage glam cinema. They are also releasing these yummy stamps through Hampton Arts.

The one I really want from this set is the one in the upper left corner.

Does the "Controlled Mayhem" remind you of anything?

40's Delights

2011-01-12T11:37:00.000-05:00

OBMH, 40's era music is something I enjoy nearly everyday. I started out by putting the XM radio on the 40's station when mom was in the car. Mom's memory was shot full of holes but she could pick up in the middle of a song out of the blue. (Imagine how dignified we will be when we are 80 and loopy and we burst into "Shake Your Groove Thing"!).

Next I became fascinated by "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil". The soundtrack to that was all wonderful music from Johnny Mercer.

When I took voice lessons, every song I wanted to learn seemed to be a Johnny Mercer number.

Now I let my XM radio random record the 40's station and I listen during the day. It doesn't hurt that I also record the "Old Time Radio" programs as well. I can't tell you what's going on with reality TV but I do enjoy "The Jack Benny Program", "The Saint", "The Bob Hope Program", "The Shadow", "Johnny Dollar" and "Fibber McGee & Molly". Sometimes I even listen to "Lum & Abner". I am one hep gal! Who wants the Bachelor and Snooki when you can have Vincent Price, Bob Hope, Jack Benny, Orson Wells and the gaggle of other talented actors working in radio in the 40's?

For a quick search list my favorites would include Glen Miller, Benny Goodman, Johnny Mercer, Cab Calloway, Harry James, Frank Sinatra, Dinah Shore, and Ella Fitzgerald. Of course for some updated takes on their work my all time favorites are Big Bad Voodoo Daddy and The Brian Setzer Orchestra.

Glen Miller. Seriously wasn't this the last time any heart throb played a trombone?

Florida Retirement, Probably Not

2011-01-10T20:36:00.002-05:00

OMBH, I'm all for the Disney season passes. I'm not so keen on Florida.   The hurricane season makes you crazy, you can't get property insurance, and the whole state is like an overdeveloped microwave oven.

Perhaps I'm just bitter because I spent 2 years fighting with a**holes in that state trying to sell mom's house. I finally tried to GIVE it to the fire department for a controlled burn and they told me I'd have to pay 5,000$ !     We sold it for almost less than I got for her used car. The damnable community fees and grass height manifesto drove me to the brink.

You get the place in Orlando, I'll get the place outside the hurricane zone that you can evacuate to. I'll live near a race course where they let retirees drive at a discount! :)

I can hear us now screaming, "It's the pedal on the right!"

If you go out to HULU to look at videos, give "Danger Mouse" a try. It's a very old cartoon from the UK about a secret agent mouse and his hamster assistant. It is screamingly funny. It used to be on television here about 20 years ago.   The cartoon is not to be confused with the rap singer of the same name. But it's not hard to tell the difference.

This is the one you want!

I can explain . . . .

2011-01-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

I can explain, sort of. . . . . .

OMBH, thanks for noticing my Rock-A-Hula Stitch. I love stitch!

I won the signed photo of Clarkson and one other item in the photo from a charity online thing. Both items are supposed to be hand signed, but who knows? I'm sort of surprised you didn't notice them both. But then again, I'm not exactly Annie Leibowitz with a camera.

They are forecasting sleet and slush here tonight. With the bitter cold, I think we'll have more snow than anything.

My day is being devoted to UK62192 from PM23762. It's sooooo ~~confusing~~ exciting I can hardly sit still!

Very much missing my tea and sunshine!

It Ain't Snowin' On The Inside!

2011-01-09T13:55:00.001-05:00

A refreshing beverage, at the desk.

Sunday morning started at the respectable hour of 11:30 this morning. It's such a relief to sleep late and then relax with a little tea and toast. Of course my tea is "iced" year round. This morning's toast was a bagel. I'm debating on making some bread. I think I have enough bread flour and buttermilk left from the last batch. I need to go to the grocery store but I desperately don't want to set foot out of the house.

The sun is shining violently outside. The wind is blowing at gale force. It is cold enough to freeze those balls off the brass monkey. Fortunately here at the inn we don't keep our cannons and ammunition outside, so we're ok. Besides we are "so not into" brass unless it's been coated. We've had brass lamps for years and finally gave up polishing the things. We had them professionally cleaned and epoxied and then discovered we really hated the damnable things. We stick with cheap and cheerful glass now. A little ammonia cleaner and all is right with the world!

To answer OMBH's question, Weatherbug says it's hovering around freezing in London all week long and it's going to rain every day. Sounds loverly! Currently it's 40 degrees at BBC studios. Don't know about the "remote air strip" you're thinking about.

It may be January here but I've got 2 bay windows full of flowers. The geraniums are just finishing up a bloom cycle. The violet has decided to go bonkers and has more blooms than ever. Even the aamaryllis I discovered a few weeks ago trying to grow in the dark of the guest room, has burst into bloom. Overall a pretty good day. The washer is dancing away with a load of clothes. The dishwasher is scrubbing away. Roger the robot vacuum is recharging for another run. I sit in a sunny room poised with a pen to make out the grocery list. Progress is being made.

I still have my eye on the crafty table with my pliers, links, and scales all ready for me to work on something shiny and fun. Maybe I'll just put off the grocery store until after the sun has gone down.

Determined amaryllis.

Vibrant violets!

Everything's Gotta Be Somewhere.

2011-01-07T16:25:00.002-05:00

The Stig is in my bathtub. Biggles the flying ace went home with Luv Monkey last week. There's a slice of home made buttermilk bread on my lawn. Johnny Mercer is in Bonaventure Cemetery in Savannah.   Bob the Camel loaded Glen Miller's "Serenade In Blue" on my MP3 player.   Nobody knows where Glen Miller is.

Luv Monkey got crafty and ordered me a copy of The Stig's new book from the UK so I'd have it for a Christmas prezzie.   I ordered more books in the saga of "Biggles" the air ace from Alibris for Luv Monkey for his Christmas prezzie. Last year I found "Here Come The Camels". This year I added "Biggles Learns to Fly", "Biggles Defies the Nazis", and "Biggles In Spain" to his library.    I've also added non-fiction books about air aces to his collection. I suspect I'm getting an education in military aircraft and aces via osmosis.

When some magazine interviewer mentioned James May's plane and its "politically incorrectly:" named stuffed lab mascot, I knew the name without a second thought. Luv Monkey has told me the names of all the mascot dog's names of all the flyers. At one point I could remember the names of the Red Baron's cousins! Did you know that the Red Baron met his end thanks to the rash action of a rookie flyer named "May"?   Oh yes my head's filled up with all sorts of unsorted tidbits.

I can't remember the names of some of the software libraries I use everyday but I can remember the name of the Lone Ranger's nephew's horse. (Victor.)

I also don't know why the squirrels scarfed up all the scrap bread I tossed onto the lawn except for the "heel" of the loaf. Are my squirrels choosy?   Last winter during the blizzards they ate everything I put out on the portico and ate the plastic trash bags kept out there.

Luv Monkey gave me a bird feeder and a case of bird food as a prezzie. He even put the bird feeder up for me last weekend. Of course I haven't been home in the daylight since then so I don't know if the thing is empty or full or if the squirrels have destroyed it yet.

An email arrived for me today that touted "sneak peeks" a the TG3's latest U.S. road trip. I wonder if the boys stayed in-country long enough to catch the American version of Top Gear? I wonder if they thought it reeked?

I tried to tune into American Top Gear again. What I saw was the 3 American hosts taking 3 American cars through he same "quality test" monkeyshines that we saw the British TG3 doing a few seasons ago. This included the 'cobblestone' test with an egg colander over head and the "filling the car with water" test.

Simply remaking UK Top Gear with Americans doesn't work for Top Gear any more than "Never Say Never" worked for the James Bond franchise.

On that theme, nobody seems to know where the James Bond franchise is either. Movie #23 was put on hold after MGM hit financial problems. According to http://www.mi6.co.uk/ the film is back in the works. No official title has been announced. Even though Sean Connery has officially retired, I wonder if they could find it in there hearts to bring him back as the guest villain. Instead of carrying around a white cat, he could have a suggestively named black lab. Maybe they could get James May to do an appearance as the villain's personal pilot, "Fussy Galore". Perhaps Richard Hammond could do a walk on as "M"'s new executive assistant "Mr. Moneypenny". Jeremy Clarkson could be the perennially ill fated '008' and get blown to bits in the opening moments of the movie. It would be too easy to cast Clarkson as the new "Quartermaster" and have him dispense Rube-Goldberg like deadly gadgets. With all the fuss over Ben Collins revealing his "Stig"ly secrets perhaps the should cast him as the villain, Whitey Leadfoote.

What do you think OMBH?

Sometimes I Guess Wrong

2011-01-05T15:47:00.001-05:00

A 'sneak peek' photo of the TG3 in Virginia not too long ago.

As OMBH so aptly put it, the TG3 snuck into the United States, fired weapons, drove like maniacs, and snuck back out. All without alerting ravening American Top Gear fans.

I seriously doubt that the guys did any driving on the Baltimore Beltway at rush hour. However I will say that I saw a Porsche like the one Hammond is standing beside in the pic. I will also say that when I saw it, I thought "Only in America." None of the TG3 would pick that tacky poop-gray/burnt red color scheme. Guess I was wrong! (What's new?)

I see Mercedes AMG's frequently on the beltway. I see Ferrari's every once in a while. But the Porsche was a stand out.

I was on the approach to leave 695 for 95 when I saw it weaving back and forth trying to make headway in the 5 o'clock hour traffic. Whoever was driving it was speeding straight into the 295 exit traffic standstill. At 5 o'clock speed belongs to those who know the side roads.

Somebody's Seen "Rat Patrol" One Too Many Times

2011-01-03T12:31:00.001-05:00

What is this lot up to?

On the look out for Rommel? No not really.

Being in the United States, I was not treated to the "Boxing Day Top Gear Special". But according to the Top Gear website it must have been "very special" indeed. The guys drove form Iraq to Bethlehem.

They can never talk about the American South as being dangerous again. They need to zip it completely. If they'll drive across the holy land, they just don't care about getting shot

For the holiday television specials here I caught parts of the following marathons, "Christmas Story Movie", "Dirty Jobs", "Billy the Exterminator", "Dog the Bounty Hunter", and "Mythbusters".

Tonight "Top Gear" 's 8 Hour Mondays will return to the airwaves in my neck of the woods. However because it starts at 9 p.m. I will miss most of it. It's only Monday and I am tired already.

More med changes happened over the holidays and there are more to come in the next few weeks. I'm hoping I can stay on my feet and keep working through them. The new specialist has a different approach from the last one, but meds are still meds.

The Sound You Don't Hear . . . .

2010-12-28T16:58:00.003-05:00

The sound you don't hear is my laptop. After just a smidge more than 3 years of service the power supply bit the dust without ceremony or warning.

Luckily form me I made a trip Sam's club for butter last October.

No, I am not part of an internet dairy collective that orders milk and butter via the web. Here at the Inn we only use about 2 tablespoons of butter at week. We buy those little portion packs at the warehouse club and keep them in the freezer until we need them. As it turns out the Sams club carries them and the BJ's doesn't.

Since I belong to BJ's and Luv Monkey belongs to Sams, he takes me to buy butter. The last time we did this was October. It just so happened that on that fine day Sams club had a display of HP portable backup drives on special. On impulse I scooped up a mega capacity external drive and drug it home with the thought I would use it to keep graphics on.

Luckily for me the drive had auto installing software that magically set up and performed backups of documents, graphics, and important files. It is to those backups that I know turn to save my digital-keester.

The divine helping hand has done even more than producing a fresh backup out of thin air, it has also provided the cash for a new laptop in a very bittersweet way.

When mom passed, I inherited her IRA. Since she was taking mandatory distributions from the IRA when I inherited it, I "have" to take a minimum distributions every year. This year's required distribution is exactly what it cost to replace my laptop. Even though mom is gone from sight, I still got a Christmas present from her this year.

Yesterday I trucked off to the BJ's and found them having an "After Christmas" sale on laptops. The 120$ off the high end HP model made it the perfect price and the perfect replacement.

So far I've put on files from the backup and checked to see what I've lost. I'm still missing Microsoft Office and Paintshop Pro. A number of my graphics files are still in Paintshop PSP format but I'm hoping I can switch to Photoshop Elements anyway. Right now both graphics packages are on sale.

I discovered that I can get Microsoft Office 2010 products for 10$ a product through work. Yes, another Christmas miracle, a "real" version of Microsoft Word for 10$ !

Oh did I mention that, while I was traveling over the holiday, I had to futz around with a major snowstorm and the car had a "check engine" light extravaganza? Oh yes, you know when I travel, even if it's only 200 miles, it always turns into a "Top Gear Challenge". Everything worked out OK. I think a herd of little old ladies prayed my car back into order. In fact I'm pretty sure of it.

James May's Holiday Video On Facebook

2010-12-27T20:26:00.001-05:00

Click here for James May's Holiday Message from Facebook.

We're Registering with Technorati

2010-12-21T17:12:00.002-05:00

code QYQPKWMUFNKV

It's not exactly like registering for gifts at Tiffany's. It's more like getting on the blog super highway.

Technorati should make it easier for like minds to find us here at the Tuxedo Inn.

James May Is The Face Of London Pride !

2010-12-21T17:07:00.001-05:00

I really need to crawl out from under the computer desk once in a while and check in with the girls across the Atlantic.

It appears James May is now the public face of London Pride!

That explains the haircut!

No James has not publicly embraced the "Love that dare not speak its name", he's the spokesman for a beer!

A while back I wondered what had spawned the hair cut. The highly esteemed Mr. May doesn't seem the type to shed his locks for just any silly thing. If he didn't cut his hair before braving the Amazon rain forest, he wasn't going to cut it for Top Gear! I must admit, it takes 15 years off of him.

I also found another pic of James promoting his favorite brew. But there's something amiss in the photo. Perhaps this is the version of the advert of Amsterdam. OMBH please note the amazing things that color correction can do for a "stripey jumper".

Need a light stranger? I've got a whole box of kitchen matches.

The past weekend's festivities included finally having my birthday weekend bash! Everybody finally got over the creeping crud that was going around. We had dinner out at the steak house and made a late night run on the LL Bean store. Since good old LL was open until midnight we cruised in at 10:30 and found the store empty. I had special requests from a few ladies who no longer drive, so I did their holiday shopping for them. There wasn't even a line at the register. I zoomed in achieved my objective and was on the road home in an hour! That was a Christmas miracle!

Sunday Luv Monkey and I made the pilgrimage to BJ's Warehouse Club and bought our mandatory 160 pounds of cat litter for the family animal collection. I even cruised out of BJ's with my long sought after "kitchen mat" for in front of my pinball machine! It's a thick soft mat like hairdressers and chefs use to reduce leg aches from standing on concrete. My studio floor is a concrete slab with 1/4 inch cheap short loop pile carpet on top. This should make it easier for everybody to stand around the machine and play.

OMBH: I visited the blog you recommended. I'll put that series on my "next" list. I've got one more book in the series I'm reading now. I love the parasol of the day pics!

If I Were . . . . .

2010-12-14T18:47:00.001-05:00

If I were in the market for a wedding gown. If that gown would be for a formalish church wedding. If, if , if. . . . I would pick something from a seamstress known as "Frocks of Ages".

THIS is what I'd pick.

I've always wanted something Victorian. I think peach is nice for a more "mature" bride. It would also be carrying on in the family tradition. My mother was married in Japan in the 1950's. She had to chose a dress from the PX on base. They had no white dressy dresses so she chose very pale pink. I don't have her wedding dress but I remember it. I helped her put it in the trash when we were cleaning out the house after dad abandoned us.

With "opera" gloves, a fabulous hat with a veil, and perhaps a boquet of gardinas, I think that dress would be lovely. "Frocks of Ages" makes hand tailored historical gowns for a fraction of formal and bridal shops charge for mass produced slop. I am delighted and amazed that such beauty exists.

Flash the Ultoth Signal!

2010-12-14T15:34:00.001-05:00

Notice that slow odd light show on the winter clouds?   See that leisurely blinking pink and purple? That's the Ulthoth Signal blinking in the eastern sky.

I fear OMBH may have been dispatched by a nasty infant or a vicious manager at her workplace. I have not heard from her this long work week.

There's not much going on at the Tuxedo Inn. We've all been browsing the interwebs for holiday prezzies.   "Fresh Pair" has been a big source of amusement. It seems that there is a "shapers" section for men now. Instead of freeing the world of the evil girdle, progress has spread the menace to modern day man. Speculation has it that a new "Top Gear Challenge" could be to try and navigate a supercar through London at 3 a.m. wearing only a driving cap and a pair of fancy "pants". Stiggy, of course, would be allowed to leave his helmet on. (It seems the BBC was so incensed at the "Real Blanco Stiggy" writing a book that they've canned him. )

Buzz has been going around about the impending royal wedding. Somebody broke up the Queen's 1977 Rolls Royce with Charles and Camilla inside, now security is a concern. There is a huge hulla-ba-loo about the price tag for the upcoming shindig that it makes sense that the "young couple" should elope. Set up a big old web page and stuff it full of photos and call it day.

Based on what is going on in the United States with our pensions and health care I can imagine a "Presidential Wedding" would garner a lot of hard feelings.   The U.K. is in the same sad boat we're in. I don't imagine it will endear the young ones to the public much to put on a huge shindig.

I'm not saying the princess to be has to wear a dress from the Salvation Army Thrift Store, but perhaps being conservative would win over public sentiment.

I remember Princess Diana's wedding and the gasps that went up when her dress came out of the coach wrinkled.    I also remember thinking she was nuts to marry that man.

But I have had my moments of madness. Someplace in my pattern box is the pattern for what would have been my wedding gown.  At the time I thought it was magically beautiful. Now it looks dated and stupid. So many things I thought then appear dated and stupid now.

In today's Ulthoth Girl news, the highly esteemed Mr. May is shown in the photo below disarming an incendiary device placed in his closet.  The highly specialized device was strategically devised to obliterate any stripped garment in a 35 foot radius. Based on the workmanship of the homespun device it appears to be the work of one or more outraged fangirl(s). There was an accompanying tag that read "No more stripey jumpers!"

Mr. May removes "Stripey Jumper" incinerating device.

Liar! Liar! Ferrari On Fire!

2010-12-13T16:46:00.001-05:00

One hot Italian courtesy of WreckedExotics.com

Bob loaded up my MP3 player for me to give me a break form holiday music. Queen has been serenading me about "Las Palabras De Amour". Instead of finding the tune romantic I thought how nice it would be if you could go "Hogwarts" on a guy when he drives you to a secluded spot and starts telling you those tired old lies. Instead of looking into his eyes and saying "Really darling?" You could say, "Well let me just get out of the car check my wand. You know if you're lying to me your car will burst into flames." It would be fair play to do it either way around.

It might explain how the Tuxedo Inn garage went up in flames last summer. Who knows what those chuckleheads were up to out there.

Ah, the holidays. . . .

2010-12-13T14:51:00.005-05:00

Ah, the holidays. Someone two rows over on the cubical farm is screaming. The J. Peterman "13 Days of Christmas Sale" has subsided but not before I bought a silk aviator's scarf. It's almost time to develop pleurisy or make hotel reservations to go and visit Luv Monkey's family for Christmas. (Last year I managed to have an infection in my upper jaw.)

In our 300 years of acquaintance I don't think LM and I have actually spent a Christmas together. We have, however, had the traditional fights over Christmas tree lights. I have my suspicions that pre-lit trees have decreased holiday domestic violence. (Imported violence, I don't know about since I don't have any Brits visiting for Christmas this year.)

Here is today's "Bloke" photo for OMBH:

This man is about to fly a camping trailer under a blimp. He's getting paid to do it too!

Here's today's interesting photo for me:

Richard Hammond actually has a helmet with an "aggro hamster" on it!

The holiday shopping is nearly over. I have some stocking stuffers to pick up. I also have a trip to BJ's next weekend. I have to take Luv Monkey to get 200 pounds of cat litter for the family animal farm.

The new specialist has me on 12 more tablets of "stuff" than I was on last week. I'm not sure if I feel better or not. I'm sure I feel skeptical. I'm sure the specialists want me to pay them money and that they don't take insurance.

I've been warned that I may feel a bit "unwell" for a while but I already feel off kilter and un-perky. I think I shall end with a pic that describes how I feel about all this "treatment".

A girl and her meds in a cold world.

Crispy, Cranky, Christmas Blues

2010-12-11T20:36:00.001-05:00

Once again Maxine sums up all those things I just can't say.

Under Wear?

2010-12-08T16:52:00.001-05:00

To complete Monday's musings on celebrity underthings BBC America gave the world a free shot of the highly esteemed Mr. May's underpants. During the "South America Special" Mr. May was rousted from his rest and was filmed putting on his jeans in preparation for the day's festivities. Like any seasoned rain forest traveler, Mr. M took a peek into his underpants and confirmed that his "gentleman's region" was still intact. Then he stoically carried on.

Great Grandpa style blue boxers. In case you were wondering. Since they've been on worldwide television it doesn't seem untoward to mention that.

Blue pop-pop boxers give me the creeps. My stepfather used to wear blue cotton boxers with snaps on the waistband. I know this because we lived in a one bathroom townhouse and every evening after work he would leave his dirty pants draped over the edge of the trashcan in the bathroom. Putting clothes in the hamper was below him, he considered it woman's work. I guess my mother eventually picked up his nasty drawers and put them in the wash. Whenever I saw them I would take the plunger and flip them the rest of the way into the trash. Since "take out the trash" was on my chores list, I made sure plenty of those corrupt undergarments made their way out of the house and to the dump.

Seeing old style boxer shorts gives me the shivers to this day.

It's probably ensuring my place on the "old fogey" list to say that when I was in my dating hayday no guy would have been caught dead in boxers. Boxers were your dad's underpants. Bikinni's and tighty white-ies ruled the day.

When I have occasion to spy gentlemen in their underthings these days they all seem to be wearing "bloomers". How do they get all that underwear under their jeans without getting all twisted up? It seems to go from their waist to almost their knees. On the other hand, women's popular underwear has turned into thongs.

Something seems a bit amiss. Men are wearing baggy clothes that don't "bind" anywhere. Women have elected to wear butt floss and skin tight jeans that leave even the skinny ones with "muffin tops". Somebody needs to quit buying "Glamour" magazine. Perhaps?

In case you are curious about your choice in underthings I've discovered a site that sells nothing but underwear and socks. It's called "Fresh Pair" and it looks like a fun browse.

Perhaps Luv Monkey would like some fancy pants for the holidays?

OMBH: You keep me going with your comments and your humor. Ulthoth girls unite!

Underpants crash tester!?

James May & His Man Skills

2010-12-06T17:11:00.003-05:00

James May's Manlab? Sounds very "Rocky Horror".

Doodling around looking for books for Christmas presents I came across an interesting article on James May's new television show. He will be going over essential skills for men. I can just about guarantee that BBC America won't show it.

However it did get me thinking that in my lifetime "womanly arts" is a term that has gone from meaning running a household, sewing, knitting, and cooking to something a woman named "MaMa Gina" professes to teach about. Her idea of the womanly arts includes the ubiquitous "living your dreams" and proper masturbation. I don't think Mrs. Beeton or Betty Crocker ever thought of including that in either of their guides.

When I assess my "womanly arts" skills, in the old style sense of the term, I stack up unevenly. I do know how to run a household. I can make sure that the bills are paid, the budget is set and followed, the pantry is stocked, the laundry done, the bedding changed, the mattresses turned, and the house is repaired. I can paint a room, trim shrubbery, clean the pilot burners on the stove, shut off the outside hose bibs in cold weather, and wangle some small repairs.

I used to be able to do some work on my own car. The car I have now has three visible dipsticks and a bolted down engine cover. Not even the air filter is user accessible anymore. The only thing missing is a sign saying "No user serviceable parts."

I can read a sewing pattern, buy appropriate fabric, and put together basic garments. I have made a Ren Fest costume with a lacer with boning in it. I can make a hand stitched buttonhole. However I've never mastered the art of putting in a zipper.

I can knit in a very basic form but couldn't do a sock or a sweater that anyone would want. When my favorite sweater suffered a moth hole, LM's aunt pulled out her arcane darning skills and mended it so that I can't tell where it was damaged. (Darning is a skill is fast evaporating into the either.)

I can, to some feeble extent, cook but I hate too. Who wants to cook for one anyway? The problem of leftovers is horrendous. You either eat something until it's gone bad or you wind up wasting food. I can make a very good loaf of regular bread without a bread machine. I can make a tolerable biscuit. I can bake but roasts, chops, and sausages suffer under my attempts to keep the stove at the proper temperature.

In my own defense I will say that I take care of the household and I go out and earn the mortgage payment. If my full time job were to make clothes, knit socks, and provide meals for the household my skill level would be very different. I would have learned how to sew from my grandmother instead of in 7th grade. I would have also learned how to knit from my aunt who wasn't left-handed like my mother was. As for cooking, I would have had to 'wing it' but I can read and I do have my 1951 Betty Crocker Homemaker's Cookbook to fall back on. Betty doesn't get fancy with the recipes, she tells you how to produce edible food without burning the house down.

My hands on skills these days come to the fore in my studio space. I've dabbled in book binding, jewelry making, collage, assemblage, and playing with chainemaille. Last weekend I took an intro class in enamelling on silver. I made a few holiday presents and a charm for my growing charm bracelet. If I ever get over this blasted cold and my eyes quit watering I'm going to sit down and start on my mini scalemaille shirt for Logan. I want to keep going with chainmaille.

Maybe it's not making a dress shirt or a Shepard's Pie but it does make me feel connected to the world outside the computer.

Oh La Ga Ga Roma Romance

2010-12-06T15:30:00.003-05:00

Yes I have this pattern.

Like most Americans, I don't have much of an idea about how royalty lives. We make our actors, rockers, and presidents royalty. We know they shop. We know they have stylists. We know they can afford designer clothes. But when it comes to underwear we figure somebody on their staff makes a discrete visit to WalMart and gets them a few packages of Hanes' Best. Thongs, Y fronts, boxer briefs, and granny panties seem to be the great equalizer. Any celeb who doesn't want the state of their genital grooming to be a topic on TMZ wears underpants.

Logic would also follow that the Queen of England, being dignified, regal, modest, and intelligent would also wear underpants. But until today I never considered that they would be anything besides the traditional "granny panties" favored by practical and comfortable women the world around. TMZ, that harbinger of style and arbiter of taste, has shown me otherwise. Today they are proudly posting photographs of the Queen's underpants.

Not any laundry hamper denizens these undergarments. Circa 1968, these finely crafted linen tap pants are hand embroidered, lace trimmed, and side buttoning. They are a feat of beautiful sewing and tailoring. Even in photographs the qualities of the construction and design are obvious. I'm not a used underwear collector but I do sew and those underthings are exquisite.

It only makes sense. If you are going to be trapped in one social engagement after another in a stiff formal dress you need to be comfortable. Dignity and comportment dictate that you do not yank a wedgie from the royal person upon exiting the Rolls Royce. You can't risk wearing a "religious" pair of underthings and have your backside photographed by the news if you have to crouch to evade an assassin's bullet. You can't wear "historical" garments and have the elastic fail. (It might have been cute on Ab Fab, but it wouldn't do for the Queen!) It would continue to reason that the same holds true for bras. It wouldn't do to have straps hanging out, hook malfunctions, or "multiple points of focus" during a state visit.

It's for sure that the royal person wears a custom made foundation garment. She's probably the only woman on earth who truly has a "bra" that fits right. That sounds like being "treated like royalty".

It's a small perk to be sure when weighed against everything else the Queen has had to do her entire life. But it does sound nice.

On a side note: I didn't feel it was respectful to re-post the pics of the underthings. According to TMZ these panties were left in 1968 on a plane used for a diplomatic visit. The original holder of the garment has passed away and the estate has put it up for sale. It must be tough to have to trust that your staff will discretely dispose of your underthings. It's bad enough to live life in the public eye but to have your under drawers auctioned off is something else.

Another side note: A few years ago a chemise and a pair of open drawers owned by Queen Victoria was auctioned off. The underthings had been given to employees in service to the queen and their descendants were selling them. Those underthings now belong in a textiles collection of clothing over the years. They are as beautifully made as those being auctioned off now. (Much different style.)

Side Note On The Folkwear Pattern In This Post: Yes I own this pattern. Yes I've made the drawers and the camisole top. I've made the top in all sorts of florals and trimmed them with lace and wore then as summer tops. I made the drawers as sleep wear but I prefer elastic to button waists for comfort. Yes I made hand made button holes! :)

Yes I can get my hair up like that! I have a bronze hair clasp and can get it up in about 30 seconds.

The Dark Days of Winter

2010-12-06T11:18:00.002-05:00

Victim of evil plot?

Now is the winter of. . . .. .Oh Hell, it's the beginning of winter on the east coast. It's windy, bitter, and damp. The days are 15 minutes long. The ether is charged with the annual holiday hype insisting that the "perfect family Christmas" is just a charge card bill away.

Here at the burnt candle stub of the year is my birthday and New Year's all shoved together. It's that time for seasonal affective disorder and annual reflection. Sweet Jesus Savior of the World! There are not enough selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors on the planet to keep me out of the melancholy room.

While it is true that Nucky & Mrs. Schroeder got back together on last night's season finale of "Boardwalk Empire". That piece of fictional good news is not enough to counterbalance the overarching thought that I took a perfectly good young body and promising life and squandered it in fluorescently lit rooms overstocked with computer equipment and boorish people.

When I was young, I was on my own right after high school.   I had to earn rent and grocery money. With even a modicum of objectivity, I'd say I've done spectacularly well for someone who started out with a  state college degree and no connections. Like a monkey in a jungle I've swung from tape ape to computer programmer and to systems programmer. I install and maintain a computer software infrastructure used around the world. I've created and tested disaster recovery for statewide and worldwide financial systems.    In an America, where I not so proudly belong to the first generation that will not do as well as their parents, I have managed to buy my own home. By a trick of depreciation and January car sales, I even drive a Cadillac. By an even bigger feat of legerdemain I have done this alone.

It's not that I didn't want a mate, partner, hubby, or whatever you call guys these days. It's that I never found one. LM and I have had an off-and-on untenable relationship for years but for whatever it is or isn't, it hasn't been a two income yuppy couple.

Like any woman, I will say I had prospects and proposals. If I'm honest, what I've really had is narrow escapes. Former beaus have turned up on Facebook and I ruminate on the past. What I always wind up with is "There but for the Grace of God go I.".

As my mom used to say "There are worse things than being alone."

So there I have it. I can rationalize every step I've taken down the road that landed me here. It's been knuckle busting, soul sucking, and wearying. Given the same situation I don't know of much I would have done differently, with the exception of refusing some bad dental work.   Perhaps I would have chosen a college a few thousand more miles away from my family. Maybe I would have gone all bohemian and scraped by school with C's. I did the best I could with what I had.

Still the fact remains I'm not happy with where I am now. My health is as constant as a frayed wire. My relationship with LM is long distance. I've got a dungeon tan from working under bad florescent lighting in a crappy office with politics that makes Survivor look like a kid's show.   My time in the art studio is too little. My life is burning up, day by day. I'm starting to worry about retirement.

All in all, I am starving for something more. There are Bugatti's, days without pain, and sunny roads out there.   There must be.

Post Script, "What's He Doing?" comments.
Earlier this week OMBH speculated that the highly esteemed Mr. May was being given bad fashion advice by his significant other. She speculated that this may even be intended to make Mr. M unattractive I also know I've heard Mr. M's romance described as "He's been dating her for ten years and just hasn't gotten around to marrying her yet."    Those are harsh words all the way around.      Perhaps it's projection but the highly esteemed Mr. M seems to be in the same "slough" the rest of us are in.   Something is better than nothing. We're all dying anyway.

Fructuous Friday

2010-12-03T12:47:00.001-05:00

Bob the Camel missed his mark loading the MP3 player last night. Either that or he's noticed that the holiday blues have been lurking about. Today's first song was "I'll Fly Away". While that is a fine and perky song to belt out when I'm feeling like everybody I've ever known has crossed to "God's Celestial Shore", it isn't the thing to get me amped up for a day at work.

The second tune "Come on with the 'Come On'" from Big Bad Voodoo Daddy is just as inappropriate in the opposite direction. I suspect Bob is not feeling to pleased with the cold turn in the weather. It's time for him to start appearing in nativity scenes and they don't let him wear his leg warmers. Bactrian camels are designed for the snow and freezing climes. Dromedaries, like Bob, not so much. Even though Bob is engineered to withstand the broiling desert days and the cold desert nights, Bob prefers being indoors with the central heat in the winter time.

Don't tell Bob, but I got him a heated mattress pad for his bed for Christmas. Bob and I both appreciate central heating and central air. The older I get the more I'm certain that if I had to go back to a house with a "fuel oil stove" and no air conditioning I'd fall into a potentially fatal despair.

On the J Peterman temptation front, the warning level is "Sky High". Today's sale includes both the "mailbag" and the "Gladstone Bag". They've brought the price of the "Gladstone" down from 600$ to 500$ On a more reasonable note, the badger bristle shaving brush is on sale for 60$ I'd prefer to get shaving brushes from Casswell Massey or someplace where I can inspect them before purchase. A nice shaving brush is a necessity. Men may think the shaving brush is their purview, but when you've got two long and lovely legs to care for it's a "must have".

On sale today!

I think I'll celebrate by going home and digging out the leather backpack. I've got a nice supply of Lexol cleaner and protector to spiff it up with.

Of course J Peterman has a "blog".    Each day there is a new couriosity or pondering point. Today's topic is "Words". More importantly "Save The Words"! The Oxford Dictionary has a web site devoted to archaic words that are being dropped from the dictionary in favor of more "hep cat" phrases like "Crackberry" and "Wiki".

Even more spectaculary you can go to their website and adopt a word! I found 2 that made me laugh so hard I had to adopt them!

Of course, once you've adopted a word you are duty bound to use it and spread it through the webbie-sphere.    Unfortunately for the words I adopted I remember what they meant but I've already forgotten how to spell them.  With any luck I will get a confirmation email from the folks at Oxford.

Guess those words will be lost from my memory the same way the proper name for the dent in the bottom of a wine bottle has gone.      I love words. Some stay and make their way to the top of the cauldron often. Some are bright and shiny and go out of memory way too quickly. There is a juicy joy is using the precise word for exactly what you mean. There is a concentrated comminucation in someone who pulls out all the stops and patters along with precision. Stephen Fry is the foremost practitioner to come to mind. Jeremy Clarkson can crank it up to number 11 as well.

What is this man doing?

2010-12-02T18:48:00.003-05:00

What is this man doing?

A) Adding "Mad Max" bumpers to his car so he can safely go holiday shopping at the mall?

B) Making security grates to put up around his residence to keep fan-girls out?

C) Opening a letter from OMBH marked "Eyes Only"?

D) Trying to crack the protective layer around Justine's oft broken heart?

E) Heating up a tin of SPAM?

F) Trying to free his Visa card from a lock box so he can buy that coat on sale at J. Peterman?

G) Making his "Mum" a holiday ornament from some shiny metal?

Keep it polite. Keep it clean. Put your thoughts in the comments. :)

Question #2: What is this?

A) Justine's spare bedroom?

B) OMBH's mailbox?

C) Justine's idea of "Freedom" circa 1979?

D) More than anyone will be able to afford when Dodge markets it as the "Retro Retro" in 2011?

Question #3: What is this?

A) Something you won't see in the United States!

B) Justine's idea of erotica

C) A figment of your imagination

D) Exactly what T.E. Lawrence warned us about.

E) Work(s) of art.

By Way of Apology to OMBH

2010-12-02T16:46:00.001-05:00

Now Available on Amazon.Com

The above is listed solely to distract OMBH "away" from the J Peterman luggage offered online.

As a fellow Ulthoth Support Group member I did not intentionally subject my fellow "sister" to a new expensive temptation.

Although, when put in perspective against the possible purchase of a tricked out Dodge Charger or Bugatti Veyron, the 500 buck leather luggage looks completely reasonable!   (Yes I know "de-nile" is more than a river in Egypt.)

The "bug" has decimated the office. I am remaining in my cubie and keeping a low profile. This weekend I've classes scheduled both Saturday and Sunday and I'm yearning to feel good enough to enjoy myself then. Saturday is an all day workshop with my teacher "S". Sunday is a day in the Lapidary Lair doing enamel on silver. I've got my base pieces all ready for enamel. I've also got some more clay to whip up a few more trinkets.

The colored scales arrived yesterday from "The Ring Lord". I have enough to make a few cute bracelets and necklaces. I also have enough of the larger size to make a nice little scale maille vest for Logan. (Logan is my erstwhile doll that bears the brunt of many of my creative impulses. He commiserates with Archie, my full sized costume display doll.)   I need to post some good pics of Logan. He's fabulous. I had him made for me and he looks quite alive.   Don't worry. I don't drag him around in a baby car seat or a stroller. He stays at home with the rest of artwork.

Now that I think of it, I have a dark green velvet smoking jacket for Archie! It came form a J Petermen warehouse lot that I came across when JP went out of business.    I think Archie will be getting a change of clothes for the holidays! :)

Come to think of it I will also mention that J Peterman has this fabulous corduroy skating jacket on sale today:

"Victorian Skating Jacket" On Sale Now!

OMBH we will have to get together for an "intervention" lunch. We'll just have to make a checklist of all the stuff we're "intervening" on! You'll have to email me and let me know how the countdown to Mouse Land is going!

Packed & Ready

2010-12-01T14:02:00.001-05:00

New background today. I'm jonesin' for the J. Peterman leather luggage. (Never mind that I have a leather backpack that I don't carry because I don't want it to get trashed lugging it in and out of the cabinet at work.)

There's nothing nice to say about the holiday weekend. I was sick. I was down for 5 solid days. Now I'm back at work. I've used up my leave, gotten in hot water for being out the day after a holiday, and found out they moved a project right smack on top of my get away weekend.

Did I mention I'm suddenly responsible for something assigned to someone else?   It's a lovely string of cluster er-um-er "bombs" around here.   It's that way everywhere I guess.

J Peterman has put me on their mailing list and they are now having a 12 days of Christmas sale.   They are wearing me down slowly. I'm sure that is their devious plan. They will wait until I've watched 8 hours of Top Gear on a Monday night and then spring on me with avarice!  I'll figure that since I can't have a Bugatti I should have some Italian leather satchels instead.   They'll wait until OMBH is in Disney world and LM is off being a turkey-head.    They know they will get me.    But the joke's on them, they allow unlimited returns!

Oh well.  Bob the Camel has my XM radio stocked with random tunes. This playlist has "Hells Bells", "Gemini Dream", and "Flirtin' With Disaster" all in a row. There's got to be an omen in there somewhere.

J Peterman's Heirloom Gladstone Bag only 598$

Thwup Thwup Thwup

2010-11-28T13:26:00.001-05:00

Thwup, thwup, thwup, the gentle noise of a kitchen aid mixer kneading bread dough.

Finally I've been able to get the time, ingredients, and mixer all together. No hand kneading. No rocking back and forth. No clock watching, No despair that the dough isn't going to come together. It was nice not to flip and flop the dough for ten minutes and wait to feel the texture change. I just put the dough hook on the Kitchen Aid and let it thwup-thwup.

I also had the luck of hot wiring a recipe that was close to the one I lost.   The resulting buttermilk bread tasted like what I remembered. With the help of the Kitchen Aid it was also had the fine crumb I could only achieve on rainy days when I hit the kneading until my arms went tingly.  (Trust me when you type for a living you are careful with your wrists and forearms. They go tingly easily.)

LM was told to remain at home this weekend. I had a nice quiet weekend with the television and a fresh loaf of homemade bread. Oh, and a head cold. Thanks to "Miss Instigator" at work who came in Tuesday and coughed and hacked all over us for the day.

Never mind. It was tea and toast and DVDs from the "video vault".

One such DVD was found smushed to the bottom of the cabinet. A prezzie from a prior year and unwatched, it came in handy.   It made me wish I could make a copy for OMBH.

Seems that I own a copy of "James May's 20th Century" on Region 2 DVD. I watched his take on the invention of the skyscraper and the "teenager".

Without Jezza and Hamster to torture him, James is light, breezy, and science geeky in an interesting way.

It's a shame that BBC America doesn't show this stateside. It would beat the pants off their all day Star Trek re-run marathon that's on today. Seriously! BBC America, we invented Star Trek, We can get it on DVD. Do something useful for us like show reruns of "Hotel Babylon". Or even better, show "James May's 20th Century".

Tuxedo Inn Black Friday & Holiday Hours

2010-11-24T14:22:00.001-05:00

Since everyone who joins the Tuxedo Inn gets a key to the front door, posting hours is pretty futile. Rufus, the bartender, shows up when he gets good and ready. That has been an established fact for years. Since we put in the vending machines that plonk out a good cold can of beer for a reasonable price, everyone's been happier.

Each suite at the Inn has its own kitchenette so folks do as they please these days. We're all a bit relieved that the fancy catering company left the restaurant alone and now we have "Tommy Boy" back in the kitchen fixing real home cooking during regular hours.

It's a given that Tommy will be home with the family on Turkey day. Rufus will be wherever it is he goes when he's not behind the bar.

The Tuxedo Inn will remain the bastion of quiet enjoyment as it has always been. Security will be discretely on hand, as they always are. Any fracas will result in expulsion.

We are the place to go when you can't stand the family one more minute!

Browse our library and read a book. Get yourself a brew and sit in the club room and watch the sunset through the picture window. Break out your laptop and get some shopping done via our free wi-fi. J Peterman is having their "Red Wednesday" sale today. They've got that dress I've been ogling on sale! Or maybe pick up something classic for the man in your life. They've got a sassy and sexy Chesterfield Coat!

A Chesterfield Coat says "I could be serious if I wanted to be."

Or how about some fabulous leather luggage to keep you feeling like a world traveler?

Fabulous carry on sized satchel.

I'm a pushover for any bag that resembles something Dr. Watson might have carried on his adventures with Sherlock. My closet is a warehouse of leather backpacks and bags. My new Etienne Aigner satchel hasn't even begun to soften up yet, it promises to be with me for many years.

I took advantage of some online fashion sales myself today and there will be some new holiday duds showing up to keep my new satchel bag company!

Tomorrow is scheduled to be a nice quiet day spent listening to XM and wrangling my first batch of bread through the Kitchen Aid mixer. Hope all is peaceful in your little corner of the world.

J Peterman Is Back!

2010-11-23T17:52:00.001-05:00

1947 Tribute Dress From J Peterman
Let the longing commence!

I don't know when. I don't know how. But The J Peterman Company is back! Offering wonderful yummy things that make you want to break out your credit card and order lots of prezzies!

Leather luggage, swing dresses, Chesterfield coats, velvet blazers, and all kinds of things to brighten your day and your wardrobe!

I have a fabulous dark green velvet smoking jacket from J Peterman tucked in my closet at home. It is the perfect thing to wear with my silk paisley PJs when it's holiday lounging time.

I'm so glad to see J Peterman back!

Perhaps?

2010-11-23T16:57:00.001-05:00

I'm beginning to get worried about OMBH. I haven't heard from my blog buddy in over a week. I don't know if the Disney elves got her or if she went out to watch James May's epic "commute to work" video and never returned.

I must admit as I watched the saga I was beginning to think James May possibly wasn't human.    Who drives through morning rush hour traffic without a kind and Christian blessing of the other motorists?

James ruminates on such fine topics as making sure your car has no rattling bits, not driving a car that has any un-restored broken bits on it, and turning off the in-car camera before farting. He admits he gets too bored at the petrol station to wait for the tank to fill so he always drive around half-full. He talks about listening to Iggy & The Stooges. He anticipates the "twisty" bits of the road. He seems entirely too relaxed to be in the morning grind, until the end segment.

In the final installment Mr. May practices the fine art of passing a driver who is picking their nose and gives them quite a blessing. He uses some unusual bleeped words that made me laugh, even in their bleepified form.

But this "human-ness" may be a ruse. Perhaps it is intended to throw us off the track. Perhaps he really is Stiggie's distant cousin and isn't quite what the rest of us are. Perhaps by the final installment his handlers reminded him that he had to cuss a bit or people would be on to his secret identity!

I know he'd have an ape fit in Lemon Drop. The carpet in the back seat has been sucked up off the floor by the guys at the car wash. Cadillac in their mysterious manufacturing process hasn't left the usual access screws to life the sill plates so I can easily put it back down. I don't have enough strength in my hands to hold the sill plates up and push the carpet back under. So it stays sticking it's toungue out and looking unruly. There are a few dings in the B pillar and the imprint of a shopping buggy bumper in the door. Nothing much rattles in it but me.   The trunk mounted cargo nets hold most emergency supplies in check but sometimes in a 'panic' stop the trash basket and the other detritus flies throughout the car like confetti. Of course my purse usually flies off the seat at the same time and slings its contents into the dashboard.   The day some dingbat consumer grade auto designer designs a purse holder I will be both amazed and delighted. (Rolls Royce has a pull out purse holder.)

Lemon Drop is in the best condition he's liable to be in.

I remember as the Thunderbird aged the dashboard lights would blink on and off going over bumps in the road. Since I'd had the car long enough to have the buttons memorized I could turn the climate control and radio without looking anyway.    The Sable was permanently scented by Mom's dog Missy.    The Toyota had my own hand installed stereo and unholstery job on the back dash.

Amazing how well worn, well cursed, and well loved all those cars were.

Monday Morning, Time for a Beer and a Cigarette

2010-11-22T14:36:00.001-05:00

Would a little Killian's be so wrong?

It was a ciggie and beer morning.   The commute was tame, the parking was OK, the office was low key but somehow still I wanted to fire up a smoke. That's a sure sign of foul weather abroad. Considering I don't smoke, when I want a filter tip it's time to excuse myself from society for a day or two.

It could all stem from having Luv Monkey screaming at the top of his lungs over the telephone last night. The gale started at 10:30 and blew until after midnight. It seems that the trio of old ladies he takes care of have zapped his last reserve nerve. Between the 3 they own 7 houses and multiple acres of property. They all live together in a house that still has a "fuse box". The fuse box has got a bad socket in it. They house needs to be upgraded to a higher service and a breaker box. This is going to cost 2K. They are all screaming and freaking out that they can't afford it when they combined have several million dollars of assets. If somebody in that family doesn't grow a big brass pair they are all going to die of stress when they have everything they need to untangle their situation. Instead the whole lot want to live in hovels, moan and martyr themselves, and wail how they are dying for the sake of the others.

I want to send them a case of big girl panties and tell them to put them on!   Things can't stay the way they are and it's easier to make the ***king changes than go through all this angst over them.

I'm still swimming through my own little puddle of hell. Getting screamed at for several hours left me a bit edgy.    When the ***king dog next door started barking at 5:30 this morning I came very close to going over to the neighbors in my nightie and have a fit on their front stoop. The neighbors run a fishing boat and they get up every morning extra early. They put the dog out and it barks to get in. I want to make a special trip about 11 tonight and beat a trash can lid beneath their bedroom window. and see how they like it.

Just a frazzly day.    My mortgage payment is still lost. The car is still silent about its "Service airbags" warning light. I want a beer and a ciggie and a nice quiet evening in front of the TV.

Ok, work has just moved up a project implementation date by 1 month and scheduled it right on top of my "get away" weekend.    I'm going to have to go outside now and bum a ciggie from one of the "smokers".

Fine Fettle Friday

2010-11-19T17:17:00.001-05:00

Honing the day down to the last 2 work hours. Listening to Camel's playlist on the MP3 player.   ELO is throwing a back beat and a twangy electric guitar at Grieg's Piano Concerto.   Sort of Munster's theme meets the old piano workbook. This certainly isn't the way mom played it. Mom and her baby grand piano. Tragedy abounds in that story.

Tuba players like the Munster's theme because it is one of the few pieces of recognizable music with a tuba lead. That strange piece of information is still lodged in my head after spending New Year's Eve in Annapolis doing the "First Night" celebration. The naval academy mustered out their brass band and their rag time band as well.

The Cadillac has been to the shop for a fresh set of light bulbs this week. Ever envious of every time that I go to the dentist that d**n car adopts a "me too" attitude. This morning the "Service Airbags" light came on. It sounds rather like an animal husbandry term.

According to the web the whole procedure involves checking wiring harnesses and connections. The message between the lines was, abandon hope ye who have any holiday plans left.

After a year of healing, my jaw bone is finally mended from the infection that laid me low last holiday season. However there might have been enough bone loss that I can't have the teeth repaired.   I've already secured a line of credit to have the dental work done and I'll be set ablaze and served with mint jelly if I want to spend that money on that da** car.    If it requires more than 300$ that isnt' covered by the extended warranty, it is gone.

I didn't start this blog entry to diminish and malign "Lemon Drop". It's just that "LD" is getting to that age where he's going to need constant care. The tires were sometime that every car needs. The new tie-rods were not something a 40K car should need. The new brake lights were anticipated but this business with the air bags is extreme. It may be time to cut my losses and look for a more reliable used car. "LD" has certainly driven me hard to get any driving pleasure out of him. He handles like a dream and corners like he's on rails, but enough is enough.

I'm in the fallout from ending a long term relationship with someone. (Not LM) I'm feeling rather battered, bruised, and betrayed. A little automotive therapy seemed just the thing. Nothing like the sound of rampaging Italian engines to perk me up and make me feel part of the world again. Anyway this afternoon the planets must have been in the correct alignment because Top Gear videos were visible to mere mortals on this side of the briny deep.    I saw a clip of the "Stig Farm". It seems those little beasties have to be culled. Some are too dangerous to keep and have to be sent off to slaughter. Guess it's that way no matter what kind of animal you raise. Looks like a new white "stiggy" has been picked out. I think it's a shame they got rid of the old one. Guess they still have that class system wedged in place. None of the "help" better use the front door or try to get a book in the stores.

I played a lovely clip of a black Italian yummy car zooming around the track. They left out all the sound editing and you could hear the car. It was sumptuous.

Then I found the bit that I'm sure OMBH will be zooming to about the middle of this paragraph. They have a series of videos of "The Bloke" driving to work at the airfield. I watched part of the first "installment" He was motoring along in a red 1984 Porsche. I like the quiet quality of it. "Blokey" is speaking but you can hear the car rattle and rumble. From the sound of it, it rides like a buckboard. But speed and pleasure are so seldom in the same package.

"Top Gear Live" is roaming the world this time of year. They've skipping the United States again this year. We're left with the "TG America" that only the History Channel will show. I must admit I haven't even thought to set it on the DVR. Sunday nights I spend with Nucky and the bootleggers on "Boardwalk Empire".

I just discovered that the mortgage company lost my November payment. (The payment made a month ago and cleared out of my checking account a month ago.) Sometimes I just loooove that mortgage company. This is the second payment they've lost. Pardon me while I go fight my little skirmish.

Keep driving beautiful cars.

In The Darkness On The Edge of Town

2010-11-18T17:11:00.001-05:00

Really, really dark darkness on the edge of town!

Bruce Springsteen disguised as himself 30 years ago. Jimmy Fallon as Neil Young 30 years ago.

Tuesday night I woke up to the weather radio sending out the alert tone. Tornadoes on the way. No sense in going back to sleep if I was going to wake up scattered across a highway a mile or two away. Might as well be "present" for the experience.

I lay in bed listening to passenger jets land in the windstorm. Air traffic control had routed them in over the neighborhood while trying to get them down before an approaching storm.   Dangerous lightening and possible tornadoes were on the way.

The jet traffic died down. Thunder and lightning filled the sky. Branches and debris started banging against the front of the house and on the roof.   The wind gusts ramped up.

I was debating on whether or not it was time to go "get in the bathtub" yet when I heard a fearful moaning from the television.

Neil Young was on the screen wailing the dance song "Whip My Hair". Except it wasn't really Neil Young. It was Jimmy Fallon dressed up like Neil Young. He nailed the voice and screeched the insipid "Whip My Hair" tag line over and over.

I was poised to head to the bath with my duvet when somebody dressed like Springsteen 30 years ago stepped onscreen.    I cringed and waited. The bearded mouth opened and out came Springsteen's patented low wailing moan.

The storm raged. Springsteen moaned. I stared.   A power transformer exploded.

In the quiet darkness I was more astounded by The Boss & Jimmy Fallon seriously wailing a bad dance tune than the storm.

The television crackled back on. Bruce was in his "Born To Run" cover pose on Fallon's shoulder.

Moments later the metal storage shed next door broke loose from its moorings and slammed into the fence in the side yard.

It was a long and stormy night that left me dazed and confused.

P.S.   As a former resident of the great tornado belt, I'm accustomed to heading "down the storm cellar". The current incarnation of the Tuxedo Inn doesn't have a storm cellar, so the bathtub is the approved alternative. It keeps you as safe as possible from airborne debris and it makes it easier for them to find the body later. :0